Cosmic Separation
by AnOwlTree
Summary: Natsuki returns home from America to mourn the death of his friend. Natsuyuki and Akinatsu. Tragedy, Romance, Comfort & Hurt.
1. Home Was Where He Was

_It's difficult to remember a time now, that I didn't feel the deepness of the ocean rock in my soul... sometimes there were torrents and others it was calm. Now that he's gone... my sea has been sucked dry. I'm a hollowed body, grasping for water... to drown even. Alas..._

When I came back from America the first time, my things were packed carelessly. Objects shoved like useless pawns of in my life. My suitcase reeled uncomfortably at every pound I plundered into it. With my heart racing, and fingers trembling I boarded the airplane. Never liked airplanes, always the opposite of my comfortable element. The sea. I was going home. _Home. _But what did that really mean? The first thing my mind jumped to was Yuki. Then Dad, Sakura... Akira and Haru. I scratched Akria's name out, knowing he wouldn't be there anymore. He was a small hole, but there was depth to it. Ever since the Bermuda incident we had grown close. Texts sent, from India or Norway. Always traveling, that one. Though, unlike Akira, Yuki almost never had the habit of texting me. Too nervous, I guessed. A part of me was upset about the fact he didn't have the courage to do it... but then again I didn't have it either. What was wrong with me... back then? If I could now, nothing would stop me. I'd fly in any aircraft for any amount of time.

My father had phoned me days before I came home, asking to be there on a specific date. His voice wavered, but I thought nothing of it. Like the noise traveling to my ear wasn't in tune to ear something like that. Something I hadn't felt in a while. Grief.

I got off the plane, neck wrapped in a navy blue plaid scarf. My favorite black button up coat covered my body, black pants, blue shoes. I'll never forget what I was wearing then.

My father decided not to meet me at the airport, instead I got a cab home. My feet skidded across their backseat, fingers burrowed into the pockets of my coat. It was cold. Freezing almost, and I could barely breathe.

When I finally arrived, my fingers had grown numb so I raced to the door. Before I reached my house, the door flung open for me. Without even making eye contact my feet led me inside, dropping all of my things. Then it happened. Sitting across the room, drinking hot tea was Akira. His turban laid casually around his neck as a makeshift scarf. In confusion my eyes darted to my father, whom had opened the door. I saw it then. What I had missed on the phone. "Natsuki..." He had that look. A look I'd only seen one other time before.

When he told me mother died. The sorrowful... apologetic... broken spirit.

"W-what's going on?" My mind wouldn't stop. Why was Akira here? Why... did he look at me like that?

Out of the corner of my eye, Akira moved from his seat and came over. It only heightened my concern, my breath shortened.

"It's Yuki." My dad finally said. _Yuki... _"Two weeks ago, Yuki was helping out in the shop and he went to grab some things from his house. When he came back, he got hit by a truck rounding the corner. His lungs had collapsed, and he had severe internal bleeding. He'd been in intensive care ever since."

"I want to see him." The words blurted out of my mouth without thought or reason.

"Natsuki," It was Akira who spoke now. "He didn't make it."


	2. Shock

"I needed to tell you in person. I made you come today, because his funeral is going to be in the morning. And I know... You'd want to be there. I called Akira from his work in Dubai because..." My father's voice trailed as the expression on my face showed horror. Akira had come to make sure... I was going to be okay.

"No." Was all my mouth could manage. Akira's hand rested on my shoulder. Father's eyes in disarray...All these little things, I couldn't control the fear they brought to me anymore. The word came out of my mouth again and again, until my body trembled to the ground. Palms covered my face, while my whole body was curled to my knees. _No, no, no... _I muttered it plenty more, letting it becoming less and less recognizable with tears mixing in.

When I finally found the ability to say anything else, what I said wasn't a word. It was a name. "Yuki." My voice broke over the second syllable, so terrified of its weight. I said it again, this time allowing myself to see him. That bright smile, that... fucking clutz...

"Yuki..."

I'm not sure how long my father and Akira watched me from above as I sobbed into my hands. Curled up in a position I knew to be safe. But at some point, Akira pried my hands away as I screamed with all my might. Fingers grasped at his wrists, scratching even. Akira only continued to pull me up, acting as if I wasn't even yelling. He latched himself onto me, before I fell... legs too weak to stand. If I could relive that, I only wish to remember his face. Maybe he could handle me, but I have a feeling his expression broke somewhere... not being able to see me like that. Screaming in resistance. So helpless. Raw.

"Natsuki." He finally said my name. I resisted more, legs kicking at his shins. My wrists trembling under his strength.

"Let go of m-me!" My face pressed away, not wanting to see his eyes.

"Natsuki, look at me!" As his voice raised, my crying subsided. Teeth grinding trying to hold myself in. When I looked over he was stern... and I saw nothing else. "I'm going to take you into your room." He said, a warning I guess, before he threw me over his shoulders.

"You're going to die of heat in those." I was laying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. My mind was blank. I tuned him out as he began to unbutton my coat, and slip my shoes off. The last thing he took off was my scarf. But I can't remember any more than that. He said I can't remember it because of the shock. Shock... because of... Yuki? How could I have been that wrecked..."Please." Akira spoke, but I never responded. Eventually everything shut down completely, my body rested.


	3. I Could Have Loved Him

When we woke, Akira was laying next to me. My eyes widened at our closeness, wanting to move farther away... but I didn't. Instead my head curled into his chest, not knowing he was awake. _So warm. So alive. _My breath fell onto him, warming his body even more. "Yuki..." I carelessly mumbled... letting my eyes flicker shut. Up till then I couldn't deal with the fact that he was gone. But I hadn't had the chance to think about it without screaming or bursting into tears. In that moment, as Akira and I lay together was when I accepted it. His memories were reeling through me. The day we met, the way he always stumbled, that damn phone of his, the way his face looked with the ocean reflecting from it.

"I..." My voice caught... "I love him." Why had it taken me so long to realize it? Realize the fact there was no one like him... every idiotic thing he did I loved, every time Haru's hand reached for his there was a pang within me. Even then, with Akira holding me I wanted it to be Yuki instead.

"I-I know." As Akira spoke, my body shot up... trying to get away. His hands covered my skin, just trying to get a grip, but I didn't give up without a fight. "Natsuki I know you love him..." Akira said again... making my body go limp in his arms. My eyes found a way to meet his, and that's another thing I regret. Ever seeing him cry. "Akira..." My hand hurriedly found his face, trying to wipe away all the tears in panic. I didn't understand.

"You've always loved _him." _His voice was clear, even though the tears were streaming from his eyes. "That's why I wanted to be here. So you wouldn't do anything _stupid. _You're always... stupid." Akira's expression grew harsh, as if he was in some sort of physical pain.

"Why..." My eyes searched for something in him. Something that would tell me.

"Because _I _love _you._" Akira's eyes tried to bleed into mine with that expression. That deep longing, that agony.

"You never-" He stopped me before the doubt left my mouth.

"Do you think I'm a child? Do you think I couldn't see love between you two? I never said anything because I knew you would be happy with him. I wanted you to. I never wanted _this. _I never wanted to see you like this. There's nothing I can do to help you." When the words left his lips It was hard to make all of the connections. I didn't love him. At least, nothing more than a friend... but knowing that I still let the next few words out.

"Kiss me"

"W-what?" Akira's voice wavered yet again. "You don't love me." He said it with confidence.

"I just need..." _someone. _Akira searched my eyes.

"Natsuki, love doesn't change with death. You're going to love him like this...for a long time and I'm not going to let you substitute those feelings you have for him, into me."

"That's not what I want."

"Then what do you want?"

"You said you wanted to help me. I just need someone... r-right now. I could go out and find anyone. But I _want _you."

"Natsuki... you don't know what you're saying-"

"No, Akira! I don't love you. But I know If I kiss you that I can learn. You're amazing, you're talented, you're attractive, the only reason I couldn't love you was because I was in love with someone else."

"You still are."

"I AM, but I still need to feel s-something." I began to cry again. "I want to love you, because I can't do this alone." My feelings started to welt up in my stomach, churning until I began to feel sick.

"Natsuki..." Akira was nearly speechless. "Don't say such things..."

"Why?"

"Because I want to help you... I don't want to leave you here alone. But I know you're going to hurt me."

He was right. I wasn't even going to do it purposefully... but It would eventually happen. What was the point of creating our love over his death. That morning he left. I asked him to, apologizing and crying even more. Before he walked out of the door he kissed me on the cheek, every time I think about it... that small piece of skin still burns.

I've spent a long time thinking about what our first kiss would have been like. How much I would fall in love with that beautiful person. What if it had happened. How would all of this have been different?


	4. A Dark Suit and a Red Tie

At Yuki's funeral I stood, not alone but with Haru as well. Of course he couldn't dress all in black even for something like this. With a dark suit on, a bright red tie laid down his chest. It reminded me of blood, but Haru said it reminded him of Yuki.

You could say the ceremony was normal. The tears. The conformity. It was brutal watching Sakura cry into my arms, for the second time. Was I going to loose everyone I loved? Or push away those who loved me?

The only thing that was abnormal was Haru's presence. He didn't seem upset at all, the same happy alien was still as such. He smiled, and cried too. But when I watched him cry, they didn't seem like tears of sadness... more like...

relief

After the funeral we left together.

"Natsuki, why are funerals so sad?"

"Because, Haru. He's never coming back. We'll never get to see him again."

The alien looked confused. "Yes, you will."

"When." I asked, annoyed with him playing dumb.

"Whenever you choose. It's just a matter of seeing." Haru talked down to me as if I was stupid.

"What do you mean?"

Haru sighed, "Natsuki, when things die they aren't gone forever. Are humans so stupid? They live on. They're here, they're there... they're where ever they want to be. Fluid."

I tried to think about what Haru said, but it seemed impossible. But... I guess their species is more advanced than ours. Maybe they do know what happens...

That day when Haru left, I shut myself into my room for six weeks. The only times I came out were to eat. When I lay on my bed I didn't think about anything but him. I thought about his eyes, and the way his hair hung over them when he leaned over. The red of cheeks, blending into his hair. The way he moved, and the subtle way we looked at one another. The weight in my chest only piled on... each memory adding to the pressure.

That whole time I never saw him. I never heard him either.

I guessed that Haru was wrong. And eventually... I left the room.


	5. A Red Valentine

Before my feet could carry me outside, Sakura stopped me.

"Where are you going?" She asked, tugging on the edge my coat.

"I'm heading out to the pier." It was a strange answer to give, but that's where I was going. Never used the pier to fish. It was a huge wooden structure sometimes built hundreds of feet above the ocean to simply fish. Maybe I really didn't like it, but honestly it was because I'd never been taught to fish from them. Even though Sakura was confused, she found the time to grab my wrist.

"Hey-" But then I saw it. Along with the orange and blue bracelets already on me, she carefully slipped on a third. This one was red.

My gaze fell on Sakura immediately, as did hers; but we never said a thing. After a moment of understanding she simply moved away from the door to let me leave. To this day I've never taken it off.

When I was walking to the pier, my body starting having odd sensations. I attributed it to the fact I hadn't walked so long, or that my lungs weren't used to being outside. It was still cold after all, but not as it had been six weeks ago in the dead of winter. It was February now.

February.

My mind reeled, thinking about the last time it had been February. I was still in high school, and Yuki asked me to see him after classes were over. I never thought anything of it. We talked all the time, we hung out after school, we fished together.

"N-Natsuki?" Yuki's voice was trembling, I remember that now but back then I never noticed. Always so oblivious.

"Yeah?"

"Well you know, it's Valentine's Day. I was wondering if there's anyone that you are, well you know.. interested in?" At first I didn't say anything and the silence made him so uncomfortable that Yuki tacked more information on. "You know there are a lot of girls at this school that like you..." His voice trailed. Again, I didn't notice.

"Oh, well no." It seemed like a simple enough answer. There wasn't any girl in school that I gave any measurable ounce of shit about. "What about you?"

"M-me?" Yuki's voice squeaked in terror, as if I'd asked some unmentionable thing. "Well there is _someone._" At that moment my eyes looked to him, watching his fingers restlessly fidget with the other another. The signs were countless. He couldn't bring himself to look at me, eyes stuck to the fingers he was so helplessly trying to concentrate on.

"Who?"

"Well!" His voice let out another uncomfortable squeal. "Um, this person is really beautiful... and t-talented." He went on for a while actually. As if once the words came out he couldn't stop them. I listened, but never asked any questions, getting the idea that he didn't want to tell me the persons name. When he finally managed to stop, Yuki took it upon himself to tell me goodbye and leave.

When I got home, Sakura was waiting for me with a present. "HEY! Big brother someone left you a vvaaaalentine's day present!" Before I could even take it in, she'd shoved the bright red box shaped like a heart into my hands. There was a small note scribbled on the top; _My prince. _

It should have been obvious by the fact that there were only three other people at school who knew where I lived and also knew my sister. I'd asked Sakura many times who it was from, but she never told me. Now, if I asked her the same thing... would she tell me it was from Yuki?


	6. My Name on His Lips

The pier was beautiful that time of year. When the air was still chilly, but as soon as it blew the frost bit your cheeks. A content medium between cold and freezing. Because of the weather, no one was out fishing. Not many people took their gear out in the winter, and if they did it was on a boat for commercial purposes. My feet slowly tread down the peer, shoes making an uncomfortable clack noise with every piece of wood they tapped. When I was far enough out to feel lost I stopped to look over the edge. Fingers clung to the wooden structure as my head found it's way over. Had to be at least a hundred feet up, and that wasn't even the highest peer I'd been on. Even though I'd walked long and the beach was a considerable amount away it wasn't deep yet. Bellow the deep blue surface there were still boulders and rocks that are laid around the structure.

As I stood there; my breath leaked from me to form mini clouds in the air, only to soon torn apart by the wind. For a while I did this, exhaling and watching everything be shred. Those little forms of moisture represented everything I was. Everything I could be. "Yuki..." I said, and watched as the cloud that formed his beautiful name shrank in the winds presence.

I couldn't fish anymore at that point. It was as if my mind was trying to protect me, because when I thought of fishing all my mind could bring were bright images of his red hair or his voice screaming Eno-Shima-Don. I couldn't even tie a knot, or cast. It was like I was an infant again. What was I going to do with my life... If I couldn't fish? It was the only thing I was good at.

My eyes shut to protect themselves from the cold air. That's when I heard it. Flowing through my ears, the wind hollowed out something. It was my name. Someone was calling my name. My breath hitched trying to listen. It came again, not once or twice but many times. With every time it had the chance to enter my ears, the whispers sounded more and more like him. He was calling out to me from the ocean. Is this what Haru... was talking about?

"Yuki?" I helplessly answered back. My arms lurched, hoisting myself over the small railing of the pier, not even thinking.

"Yuki!" my voice screamed out to the nothing, hands barely holding on. My eyes opened for the first time then, but it didn't scare me. The waves were crashing below the jagged rocks a hundred feet below me. If I fell I was going to die, but if it meant seeing him, was that so... terrible?

"Yuki, If you're out there... ple-" Before I could get the words out, my left foot slipped on the railing. Maybe my hands could have reached before I'd fallen, but I'm sure that I didn't even make that kind of effort.

I let myself fall.


	7. This is My Gift to You

"Yuki, If you're out there... please!" My voice trembled in the cool of the air. Then I realized something.

Hadn't I just said that? Did I fall?

My head leaned over the railing once more, this time to see a small figure in the waves crash up to the column of the pier.

_Is that...m-me? _

The body was limp, and I could see small pigments of red mingling in the almost black ocean current.

In shock my hands let go, stepping four or five paces away from the railing. I could feel my body trembling,and with my legs unable to stand for me I shrank into the ground. "W-what have I done." Then something else happened. With all of my short gasps and panicked words, no breath came from my mouth. The black coat I'd been wearing when I left the house was still on, but it wasn't cold outside any longer. I couldn't feel anything.

"Y-yuki..." My voice began to break. I was lost.

"Natsuki." His voice came from behind me, and when it did my legs suddenly found that they could work again. My trembling hands pushed me from the pier, crying, broken, and defeated... but there he was.

He didn't look any different. His hair was still the same length as I remembered it, the same color, the same height. It was Yuki.

"Yuki!" My legs barely traveled me far enough to fall into his arms, but I'd gotten enough momentum to twirl us around once or twice before we stopped. My head buried deep into his neck, it smelled like him, like the ocean, like home. My hands were grasping at his small back, enveloping all of his being. I wanted to speak, but in reality I'd been crying to hard... but it didn't stop me.

"Y-you.. _idiot. _O..of c-course I'm your prince, w-why couldn't y..you give me that g-g-...god_damn _present to me yourself. _Stupid...s-s...stupid.." _At that Yuki, wrapped his arms around me as well, I could barely believe it when I felt his fingers in my hair, and even his lips pressed against my ear, whispering to me how sorry he was. It was too unreal... for him to touch me like that. If I'd had any oxygen to breathe right then, I'd been gasping for it.

"Natsuki, calm down. It's okay." I'd never heard a voice so soothing than his at that moment, I'd wanted him to tell me those words for six weeks. It's okay, you're going to be fine. But I couldn't believe any of it until it was from him.

"I know...Yuki.. can I tell you something." I asked, swallowing the last bit of my sorrow so the next words would leave my mouth properly.

"What is it?" Yuki shuffled our position so he could look into my eyes. He knew it was coming... what other reason would he have needed to move?

"Yuki, I love you." Yuki's eyes welted up with happiness, like he'd been waiting just as long for me to say it. With that, my voice no longer trembled. "I love you, I love you, I **love **you, Yuki Sanada!" My arms forced him into the air, playfully spinning him until I felt like I couldn't any more.

"I love you too, Natsuki." He said as his foot finally touched the ground and our eyes met again.

"Yuki..." My voice was so small because I could tell at that moment he was waiting for me. He wanted me... just as much as I wanted him.

Now that I think about it we were lost in each other even before we kissed. Our eyes were like stars, inevitably hooked and only waiting to give into the mutual gravity. But once our lips met I felt as if it had to have been hours before we managed to pry ourselves apart. I'd never felt so complete as a human being before that moment. With our lips together it was like the whole world had shifted into the right place, and in the back of my head rung a definite _click. _The whole time we were both panting even though there wasn't any air to breathe, and the hair that I'd grown out shut in my room for all of those weeks were being twisted in Yuki's hands, as if he could pull me even farther into his mouth. "Y-yuki." I mumbled, feeling his tongue slip into me... but I didn't resist. How could I ever resist him?

Once we finally stopped, our closeness didn't cease. My arms still encircled him, sure I wasn't ever going to let him leave me again.

"Natsuki." Yuki's lips were on my cheek now, gently working their way down to my neck.

"Y-yes?" My arms pulled him father into me, unsure of what he wanted.

"Right now you're dead." There was a pause between his next sentence, aware of what my reaction would be. "I can't let you stay like this, Natsuki."

"What do you mean... I'm dead there isn't anything you can do." This time he began to move away in order to look at me, but I knew it was in sorrow... not in happiness.

"I can still save you. Haven't you ever heard of miracles? You haven't yet died of internal bleeding, and you never landed on the rocks with your stomach or head..your vital organs should be okay. You didn't die instantly. Your heart has just stopped. Someone is down there right now taking you away, but if we don't hurry I won't be able to start you up again."

"No," My forehead pressed against his, in protest. "I want to stay with _you." _

"What about Sakura and your father? What about Akira? Don't leave them like I left you. Natsuki, you have so much to live for... You could grow old."

"I wanted to grow old _with you Yuki." _

"I know, but you can love someone else."

"No, I could never..."

"But you could." His voice was harsh.

"Yuki?"

"Natsuki, I know you'll always love me. But don't be unhappy just because you can't have me. You're such a beautiful person, it would make _me _happy for you to be with someone. For someone to love you like I do, to take care of you. And they would be incredibly lucky to be able to." I tried to search his eyes, hoping that he was kidding or just faking it.

"What if I don't want to... I want to love you..."

"If you ever find the right person, they'll understand that you will love them... as well as me."

"No." The word felt terrible in my mouth... just as it did the night he died. "No, Yuki."

"It will take a long time, but I'll be there watching you, okay? Whenever you need me all you have to do is ask." His arms started to break away.

"No, Yuki please don't make me go. I'll just kill myself again...please." My hand reached out for his face, thumb tracing the line of his jaw.

"I'll make sure, that he won't let you... okay? I love you too much, just to let you die for me."

"He? Who are you talking about Yuki... Don't... d-don't do this."

"I'm not sorry for letting you live, I'm just sorry..that you don't understand the gift that I'm giving back to you."

That was the last thing he said to me before we kissed again. As his lips brushed over mine I knew it was a trick, but I let him in... knowing this would last time that we could...

Then I felt it

A stabbing pain

My soul screamed in agony

while my mind slipped into a deep unconsciousness …


	8. The Promised Man

"How bad is it?"

"Honestly, I'm shocked that he's even alive. Physically he will be able to make it from here. The left side of his body is almost entirely broken or fractured in some way. His hip, leg, a few of his ribs and even collar bone. All of this will heal... and we've fixed the internal bleeding but he should have died. From trauma, his heart should have stopped.. so many things. But he's here."

My mind was surfacing inch by inch but the voices that hazed around me were all unrecognizable. Like ghosts floating around in my ears, whispering halves of sentences and bits of secrets.

"W-what... happened to him?" It was the same voice. D_o I... Do I know you?_

"Ayumi said he saw Natsuki..." The doctor's voice suddenly grew quiet.

"What?"

"He … jumped off of the pier."

"He would never-" The voice cut mid sentence.

"I'll be checking up with my other patients now if you don't mind. Your friend is stable for the moment."

Nothing else was said between them. The door across the room noisily opened then closed. I felt so numb in that moment. I wasn't really sure If I was awake until I found that I could open my eyes. How much medicine was I on so I couldn't feel the pain? So many broken bones, so many stitches.

"Nn-nuh.." My throat moaned uncomfortably, and my eyes tried to adjust with it. The small circles of light were pooling in groups of color. Each orb slowly refined in their detail. All the reds turned pink or harsh scarlet and every black moved from pitch to the lightest gray. My vision focused, and finally I could see again.

"Natsuki?" I felt someone grab my hand. _Warm fingers. _I thought to myself but the person wasn't in my range of vision.

"Sit..." My voice hitched between words. "Sit the bed up." Everything was coming in. _I'm in a hospital. I really tried... to kill myself. Or did I? Did I carelessly let it happen... or did I honestly initiate it? _

The figure in the corner of my vision swiftly smashed the buttons on the side of the hospital bed, immediately afterwords the hand returned to mine where it had been moments before. As the bed slowly moved up, and my vision only became better as his face came into view.

"What are you doing here?" My voice was harsh... too cold to understand that he was genuinely worried. Terribly concerned and willing to do anything just for me. If I could go back, I'd love to take those words back. I owe him so much and he deserves much better than that inconsiderate line.

"You idiot." Akira's voice was like salt on the wound.

"What?"

"_What?... That's all you have to say?_" His once gentle hand moved to my collar, lifting me ever so slightly from the bed. That's when I noticed my collar bone was absolutely shattered. My voice let out a terrified cry of pain, but Akira didn't hesitate to put me down. "I told you not to be an idiot. I told you not to do _stupid _things." His heart shattered over the word. He knew. The doctor must have told him that I...

"Please!" My lungs belted as loud as they could manage. "You're hurting me!" But honestly I'd gotten used to it that point. He knew it but he lowered me anyway. The palms of his hands met his face, not wanting to see me anymore maybe... or maybe he was crying.

"Aki..ra?" My voice wavered over his name. What was he to me? Why was he here again? Why were his hands so desperately clinging to his face as I did the night I found out Yuki died. Was he imagining his fingertips slipping into his head, and slowly enveloping his brain... was Akira turning himself inside out in the hopes that everything would just... disappear? Were we so alike?

"Natsuki..." My name was soft on his lips, but there was a tremor forming deep inside of his throat. How much longer was he going to hold back the tears?

"What? What is it..." It was more difficult to watch when I couldn't touch him. When my arms were packaged up in countless splints, my leg safely hoisted above the bed and my shoulder half way wrapped in an entire roll of gauze. There were even a few bandages on my face, the only part of me that felt exposed was my neck. Somehow I'd managed not to snap that...

"You wanted to _kill yourself Natsuki. _You nearly died... You're lucky to be alive."

Heh, Lucky. That's a strange word because in that moment I'd felt rather unlucky. It wasn't a gift. It was torment.

"So..." Apathy. The entire truth in one word. I didn't care about my life unless Yuki was going to be in it. I didn't care about my life unless I could fish again. Unless I had any measurable reason. There was nothing for me.

"So?" Akira's hands were finally pried away. His cheeks were a stuffy red, along with his eyes that were still spilling out tears. "You almost did to me what Yuki did to you, but you tried to do it on _purpose_."

"I..." I'd never thought of it that way. I never meant to hurt him. Never like that. "I just wanted to see Yuki..." This time my tears started to roll down my face, dripping the moist drops onto my shirt and blankets. Salty ocean tears.

"You have no idea what it's like just to have you here." Akira slid himself closer, gentle hands finding their way onto the bandages on my arms. "To be able to touch you, and see you breathing." His body lurched forward onto the bed. A part of me wanted to yell, afraid that he would fall on top of me so carelessly, but he barely let himself touch me. Probably too afraid to break my fragile body any more than it was.

"I know exactly what it's like Akira..." That name left my mouth again before his lips touched my collar bone. With every kiss closer to my neck his tears bled through my bandages until finally our skin met.

"I-idiot.." Akira sunk himself into me, lips deep into my neck. The warmth transpired between us for a moment longer. My eyelids slipped shut, and my arms stood still. There wasn't any point in resisting. Did I want this? Was this okay? Where Yuki's phantom lips had been moments before... was where Akira's were now. _I'm not sure... If I can handle this. _

"Akira..." My voice was mutual. Not longing, but not wanting to push him away at the same time. _What do I do?_

"Promise me." His eyes looked up to meet mine. "You're not going to do that ever again. I'm taking you with me. I've already taken the time off. We're going to my home in India where I can nurse you back to health. Where I can keep an eye on you... I'm so sorry. I never should have left you here alone. This is my fault. I should have let you kiss me, I should have let you hurt me. It would have been easier than _this._" When the words had come from his mouth each syllable was more despairing each word was said more swiftly and closer together... like he couldn't say it fast enough before he would break. Akira's head fell back to my chest, carefully distributing his weight as not to harm me.

"I promise."

And there it was just as Yuki told me. The person who wasn't going to let me do that again. He knew before I came back that Akira would be here for me. Yuki knew how Akira felt... if he'd really been watching this entire time. What else did he know? About then or about the future? Akira, the person who would save me from myself... and the person who... what?

_Yuki, Tell me what to do._


	9. A Flying Fish

I'd never imagined that Akira was entirely serious about taking me to India. My face soured watching him pace outside of the hospital room, negotiating with DUCK on the phone. He was willing to sacrifice so much for me.

After seeing Akira in the hospital, I was able to talk to my father and sister. Dad begged me to go with Akira, saying that there was nothing more that he could do for me as a parent. "Please," He said. Was I supposed to say no? Shut myself up in my room and make my sister wait on me? No. Sakura still doesn't completely understand the circumstances of my hospitalization. It must have been confusing, not understanding why I'd hurt myself when I really didn't want to be... _dead. _Parts of me wanted to die, others didn't. It's difficult to say which I wanted more one way or another.

Two weeks later when I was put into casts and given the okay to leave, I said goodbye to my family. I said goodbye to my home too, which I'd done many times before, but this was different. When I went to America I'd gone to push my dreams forward. This time it was to push my motivation forward. I needed a reason to live. If I was lucky, I'd find more than one.

"C'mon." Akira helped me pack my things, and carefully assorted my life into just a few bags. It was that easy to just...go.

Well, easy enough. My wheelchair was an annoyance. At the time my left hand was still impaired enough that I was unable to push it myself, so Akira was always behind me, childishly carting me around. He really enjoyed it though; taking care of me. It was like his entire life he'd never had anyone to take care of, anything to worry about but himself, or his mission.

When we got the airport though, my heart leaped back into my throat. "No." My mouth managed to say, right hand slamming down on the wheel. My palm burned until Akira noticed I was trying to stop him.

"What?" He was terribly confused, marching in front of me to check how injured my hand was.

"Not an airplane." My entire body was sinking into the chair, each piece of me becoming smaller and smaller. Every ounce of fear compounded into that one space.

"What do you mean? You've ridden airplanes before. You rode one when you came back from America this last time-" Akira cut off the sentence, realizing the connection. "Natsuki, You've got to ride the plane." His fingers clasped over the marks on my palm.

My head shook nervously, curling our fingers together until Akira was forced to looked from them.

"Natsuki." There was a certain beg in his voice as he crouched over my wheelchair; eyes staring up at me hopefully. Finally after a minute of fumbling with my hand, and myself purposefully tracing the lines on Akira's palms his fingers slid into the empty spaces between mine. He was trying to be comforting, and it was working. What were we really doing back then? So destructive, I thought. But I held his hand in mine anyway. That humble connection formed between us was something. _Something. _Something like our differences and our likeness. The contact of cells brushing, or the simple transfer of heat on our skin. It was terribly comforting. Comforting enough to convince my mind that I'd make it onto the plane with him. That life could be tolerable for a moment.

Maybe even _something_ _more_ than tolerable.


	10. His Home Was Where She Was

When you travel somewhere for the first time you always have these expectations. Extravagant or dirt poor? Elegant and high class, or slouchy and simply not classy. I'd never been to India before, and I had little to no expectations about India except the fact it would be hot.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

Japan in the winter was much more bearable than _that. _

Akira had of course taken the time to make sure the heat would be on well before we got there.

To this day Akira's house is still... odd to me. He lives practically in the middle of no where. There aren't houses or anything for miles in the distance. Just out in the mountains. And for a house isolated in the mountains it was a pretty damn stunning house. Not over the top, just... really nice to live in. High ceilings, not cluttered, many rooms... too many rooms. Akira says the majority of them belong to Tapioca... but it's hard to buy that.

Speaking of Tapioca, it was her who greeted us in our way into the house.

"I was wondering where you had hidden her." I said not having seen her when Akira came after Yuki died, and then again when we were in the hospital. Akira was eager then to pick her up, cuddling her in his arms, absolutely encircling every feather. I couldn't help but smile then, he was muttering something under his breath to her...just for her. I couldn't help but think of Boss then, the only pet that I really ever had any sort of bond with. But it wasn't like them.

"Can..I?" Before I started to seem hesitant Tapioca was gently shuffled into my arms, laying on the cast on my left arm. She quacked a few times once she settled herself. "W-what did she say?" My eyes shot up curiously.

"Nothing, Don't worry about it." There was a small grin on his lips, just begging for me to ask again but I decided not to bother him about it.

"Akira?"

"Mmm?" He was already slipping his shoes off and carelessly throwing them on the floor. I hadn't even thought about taking my shoes off being the the wheelchair.

"What is that thing you've been carrying around with you?"

"Oh, this." It was a journal. "Well...ah..." Akira crouched on the floor to be eye level with me. "I bought it for you."

He slipped it into my lap. "I'm left handed." _And my left hand is shattered. _

"I know..."

"Then what is it for?"

"I read something online that said writing down your thoughts... when you're suicidal... it helps."

Was he trying to help me? Akira really cared so much... "Plus," He patted my right hand. "I know you can write with your right hand as well."

"I don't need to write stuff down. If I have something to say, I can just talk to you." But Akira wasn't satisfied with that answer.

"You never called when you tried to kill yourself. How can I trust you to talk to me... Natsuki?" There it was again. His hand was falling into mine.

"I'm sorry." That was all I could say. "I'll write..." Before Akira could intertwine our fingers this time, Tapioca quacked abruptly.

"No one asked you, Tapioca." He shot a glare towards her before letting my hand free and walking into the kitchen.

A pen. I thought.

I need a pen.


	11. Drabbles From India

2.21.13

Odd

The house smells like him. A little bit like cinnamon, and a hint of lavender. When I breathe in and let everything out it's hard not to feel like I'm inhaling him and releasing a mixture of both of us. A new smell.

3.4.13

Bandaged

We've made a schedule of wrapping and re-wrapping me now. Laying on the elevated bed in one of many spare rooms Akira takes them all off only to wrap me back up again. I ask him if he's a doctor but only says 'I have medical training.'. There are a few cuts down my leg and up to my hips that he obsessively checks and applies medicine to. Something about getting infected.

3.5.13

Wheelchair

I've become concerned about the layout of Akira's house. How is it that he has this huge level house with no stairs? It was made for me to be carted around in this damn wheelchair.

3.16.13

Sleeping

Akira sleeps in the room adjacent to mine. Sometimes I can hear him snore from across the hall. It's sad how I can't sleep without that noise anymore.

3.18.13

Him

I saw him today. When I opened my eyes this morning he was laying next to me, red hair laying on the pillow. Even though I don't always see him, it scares me and comforts me at the same time to know he's watching.

3.21.13

One

It's been a month since I came here. Maybe the temperature will get better... but honestly there's something about being cooped up in this house all day with Akira that I love. Always huddled under the blankets watching a movie, or across the room watching him cook. It feels like time...moves slower. More beautifully even.

3.23.13

Tapioca

I'm starting to understand Tapioca a little better. It's ridiculous to think that there's a language and that things can be understood and translated but she's just like us.

3.30.13

Remembering

Now that I think about it neither of us have mentioned a thing about what happened in the hospital. Akira's slip of character, crying and kissing me. Is that because... nothing needs to be said?

3.31.13

Confess

Should I tell Akira why I tried to kill myself? He doesn't need to know. But after spending all this time with him... a part of me says he deserves that much and so much more that I can't give him.

4.1.13

Birth

We saw Haru today. He came down to Earth to celebrate his 'Earth Birthday,' It's weird that Haru can see Yuki so much more fluidly than I can. Akira was confused as Haru seemingly talked to the 'nothing' . Maybe I should tell him...but...

4.2.13

Cope

The trick to not being depressed about Yuki... it's easy now. We've situated ourselves with this routine that my mind can barely think about anything. When I leave, will I be able to handle myself as well as when Akira is here to help me?

4.3.13.

Peek

Last night I snuck into Akira's room while he was sleeping. I don't know why I did it. That's a lie. Well, I just wanted to see him with the turban off. The entire time we've been here he hasn't slipped up at all. Always awake before me, always with that damn thing on. His hair is really... cute.

4.3.13

Shit

Tapioca is such a god damn tattle tale. Akira cut my hair as punishment. We match now.

4.4.13

Crutches

My legs are strong enough now to use the crutches, and Akira said it would be good for my arms. Honestly I don't know why I hated the wheelchair so much. This is painful. Especially difficult with my cast.

4.6.13

Weather

It was bearable outside today. Akira carried me up some hills and mini mountains until we found that spot where the sun was hitting everything perfectly. I swear he's a cat. Because we both curdled up in the grass and drifted into sleep.

4.7.13

No

I have to tell him. I saw. I saw Yuki again. This time it was more that seeing. I could touch him. I don't know what to do. I just...

Yuki said it was normal after a while. But that changed everything... and Yuki simply acted like it didn't.

4.7.13

Gone

One moment Yuki is here and the other he's not. He's my ghost. Really I know he's always here.. but... If I can't always see him than what's the point? I just don't know... what it means. I'm too afraid to kiss him, when I know he'll just disappear. Then again, Yuki won't let me anyhow. He keeps saying you have to move on but I can't when I can curl into your arms when I fall asleep and wake up to nothing. He can't control when I see him and when I don't, but he doesn't want to leave. I don't want to tell him to leave either, but... I can't help but cry.

4.8.13

Confrontation

I've decided.


	12. When Did I Fall In Love With You

"Akira!" I called out to him from the bed, unable to get up without pain on my own. Then again... the thought was to be as comfortable as possible when confessing something so complicated.

My fingernails were picking at the leather bound journal in my hands, carving out names and pictures in it. Carving on animal skin.. huh...

"What?" Akira walked in the room, but unlike usual he did not sit on the floor to talk to me. Instead of moving to become eye level with me he stayed standing up to look down on me. What was his problem? How often did I ever hear Akira annoyingly utter the word 'what.' Upset before I could even confess.

"I'm ready." My trembling hands were tearing the edges of pages, barely able to look at him.

"Ready for what, Natsuki?" There it was again. Annoyance. What had I done? Since when in the last two months did he ever talk at me like that?

"To talk to you." With that I threw the journal at him angrily, scattering a few loose pages onto the floor. The book had hit his foot, and being displeased he stared at it for longer than he should have before meeting my eyes. Akira still said nothing even as he slipped into the bed next to me, leaning up impatiently against the headboard. I was about to cry even before I said a thing, just because he was so upset.

"I can see Yuki." There it was, but Akira's expression didn't falter from the angered temper it was moments before.

"I know."

"What? What do you mean..." Anger was all I saw then, and when I was so afraid that I'd make him cry again. How wrong could I have been.

"I talked to him this morning." I could tell by the way he was speaking that he was trying not to slip up. There was a whole mass of words behind those six that were just bubbling to be yelled out at me. The anger showed in each syllable.

"S-so? Why are you..." Everything trailed away before my hand reached out for him, fingers grazing across his arm. I should have never touched him, because before I could reach his hand he forced me away.

"Don't." Akira couldn't even finish his sentence without closing his eyes and retreating his arm. Don't. Don't touch me... Why?

"Akir-"

"Shut up. I gave you two months to talk to me and you never did," Now that he started talking it was obvious that Akira couldn't be stopped now. "You have been sitting in my house, sleeping in _my_ house. I have taken care of you, Natsuki. This entire time I thought you were getting better because of me. You know you really seemed happier... you did." You'd expect this was the point where his voice would bend and start to crack with tears. But all I could hear was an elevated pain. A stern tone, not wavering. "It was because of him, not me. You were never happy because me. But that's not why I'm mad. That's why I'm _hurt. _I'm mad because you..." There had never been so much so much disgust in his beautiful voice before. His eyes were forceful to even steal a glance towards me, to bare it. "You killed yourself so you could be with him. And you didn't come back on your own accord... He saved you. Do you still want to die Natsuki, because that's not something I can fix. I can't make you forget about him, I can sit here and play doctor for three months and still not be able to fix that. Are you going to kill yourself when you go back home? Are you? Was all of this for nothing? When you go back are you just going to jump without thinking of who you are leaving!"

Then it happened. It's a terrible habit of mine, but when someone is spewing so much bull it's hard to help. Akira barely made a noise, he just took it. The back of my right hand hurt from hitting his face so hard.

"No, you shut up." I winced, watching as Akira never lifted his head from the position it had been forced into. "You... Akira..." My voice trailed because I didn't even know where to begin. I wanted to scream, to burst. No Akira, that's not what I'm going to do. No, why do you have to take everything the wrong way?

"_You_ made me better Akira. It was always you, not him. Just because he's here doesn't mean that I felt better. In fact... sometimes it made me feel worse. He wasn't the one cooking meals for me, tucking me into bed or changing my bandages. It wasn't Yuki who was watching movies with me at two in the morning even though we should have very damn well been to sleep. Yuki doesn't snore so loud that I hear him across the hallway...he doesn't...Akira. It was you."

"Natsuki..." Akira's palm met the place where my hand had struck him. His cheek was a bright red, skin probably stinging from it still. "I don't know what to say."

"Then don't say anything. Just listen to me." Akira nodded, but there was something else I noticed then. The minute movements in his legs and shoulders as if they were being pulled towards me. Those twitches were so small that I'm not even sure how I noticed them but I could. Akira wanted to be closer. Even if it was in the back of his mind, his body was betraying him subconsciously with those gestures.

"I'm not going to kill myself. Not now, not ever again. I understand now how lucky I am to be here. Staying with you in this house for the last few months made me realize how the seemingly mundane every day life can be so... enjoyable. If this can be amazing, then once I gain the strength then I'll be able to do other things too. Live normally again, go back to America. That being said... I love Yuki. I love him a lot... and you know that. But he's dead." The word dead stuck in my throat for a moment before I could continue. Terrifying to say aloud. "I can't bring him back, and I don't want to die. So... there is nothing to be done. Yuki watches over me because he loves me. I don't want him to stop. We have no relationship like you may be thinking Akira. I'm not going to kill myself, just stop..." My hand is on his again. Palm against palm until his hand moves up my arm, across my shoulders and eventually to my hair. Even though the touch is gentle it's like Akira is holding onto me for dear life, afraid of whatever may come. "Stop worrying so..much..okay?"

"I really helped?" Was all he said. The spaces between us were closing quickly. My body was leaning on his, shoulders touching, eyes locked, and hands in the respective persons hair and hand. It felt too right to stop.

"Of course, Idiot." Finally the seriousness was broken by a bit of our laughter. "I..." _Shit. What was I going to say? _

In confusion my eyes darted back to his, as if he could help me remember what words I'd lost. "Akira?" He was staring at me, eyes wider than they had been the entire time we were yelling at one another.

"When?" The word was a higher pitch then usual. Concern? Confusion? I couldn't read him.

"When what?"

"The thing, you were about to say." His words were rushed, but I still didn't understand.

"I forgot what I was about to say."

"No, you were about to say something and you didn't know you were going to say it in the first place. That's why you stopped."

"Well, what was I about to say?"

"No, that's the entire point." His fingers finally untangled themselves from my black hair. "You have to say it."

For the time being Akira left my room with that same look on his face. Shocked maybe? I sat in the bed for the longest time staring up at the ceiling and wondering, too nervous to call Akira back into the room.

_I..._

_I love you._

_That's it... that's what I was going to say... _

Then my mind recalled Akira's question. When.

What a wonderful question.

_When did I fall in love with you? _


	13. Until Death

"What do you mean not fair?" Yuki's voice was low, as if he spoke too loud Akira would hear him. In reality seeing and hearing Yuki was selective from person to person and just because I could hear at a particular time, didn't mean Akira would. Still, he always said... better safe than sorry.

"You know_ exactly_ what I mean..." My eyes fluttered open and closed, adjusting to the darkness of the bedroom. The door was closed, trapping out every spec of light, and it usually never was. At that moment it was only that way so Yuki and I could talk.

"Natsuki.." It was a whimper, right before his face ruffled in my hair, breathing in and out heavily. The feeling sent phantom shivers up and down my spine, like running messages back to my brain telling me to control myself. To breathe.

"Wh-what is it?" My body pressed back against him. Yuki had been cuddling behind me for some time while we spoke in the dark. Fingers braiding and un-braiding my hair in a systematic way. It was calming. Soothing even...

"You should confess your feelings for him."

"No, I already told you it wouldn't be fair."

"How! I really don't understand..." Our bodies went stiff for a moment, ears pricking to hear if Akira was coming. We'd just gotten so loud...

"I still _love you." _I hissed under my breath. "I want to love him...freely... I do. But it wouldn't be fair for him if I'm still having feelings for you." My eyes shut tight, terribly afraid of all of my feelings. They could hurt him. Hurt Yuki too...

"Then get over me."

"What? Do you think it's that easy? I still don't know how to fish...I'm still...like this. Still messed up." My arms motioned towards the cast and the rest of the bandages covering my body.

"Take me back to Enoshima with you. I'll teach you how to fish."

"It's not that simple!" My voice raised even louder. "I don't know how to get over you. But it's not by replacing the feelings I have for you with the ones I have for Akira. I want to love _him _not to fix anything or get over someone I just...I want to love him." There was a tremble in everything I said, and with every syllable Yuki huddled closer, placing apologetic kisses on my neck and shoulders.

"Over time... your love will me will fade. Somewhere you'll still love me, but you won't the way you're talking about. It just...takes time Natsuki."

"But he's waiting _now_ Yuki... how long will he wait?"

"Akira will wait just as long as I did, Natsuki."

"A year? Two maybe if I'm lucky."

"Until death, Natsuki. Whenever that comes. Even then...he'd wait like I did...You've underestimated his love for you for a while now. Go back home. Let me teach you how to fish and I'll leave for good. I know me being here tears the wound more than repairs it...especially for Akira."

"Yuki..." I muttered.

"Natsuki?" My eyes widened at the voice outside the door when I was expecting Yuki's.

"C-come in!" Everything was minimized to thoughts of what I had just said, and how long he'd been standing outside. Did I say..._that? _What if he can hear Yuki, what more did he hear then? But before my mind reeled me away Akira opened the door.

"Are you sitting in the dark by yourself?" There was a chuckle on his voice, not even understanding the irony that I indeed wasn't sitting alone, but of course Akira was only teasing.

"N-no! I mean..." I turned around, sitting up to see that Yuki had scampered off somewhere. Akira was right in front of me, already leaning down to meet my eyes.

"You were yelling. I'm guessing Yuki was here. I just came to come check on you." There was a smile on his face but it was overly fake, glazed with a gruesome sting of pain. Enduring it. How can he say something like that so calmly then _smile. _

"Did you hear us?"

"No."

"Oh..."

"If you're okay, I'll leave so you can get back to whatever it was you were talking about." Akira's frame slowly moved, picking himself from the ground back into a standing position, but right as his hand left the bed I pulled it back with all the force I could. "Natsuki!" Akira barely had time to regain his balance, clumsily falling over me.

"I'm sorry, don't go. I need to talk to _you._"

"Me? I thought you were talking to Yuki?" Akira quickly shifted to sit next to me, despite being so startled, and even more so, confused.

"Well... I was talking about you anyway."

"O-oh?" Akira faltered, trying to look into my eyes which wouldn't meet his. "About what?"

"I..." There it was again, the start of that phrase. That one word that needed two more following. Three syllables, complete balance, complete chaos breaking loose from those words. The only difference was that I knew...I wasn't going to forget and I had no intention of stopping myself. Suddenly Akira was paying attention again, his eyes wide, and mine finally were able to glare back into his.

"I love you, Akira."


	14. For A While

Nanosecond. Microsecond. Millisecond. Centisecond. Units of time that swirl and distort in the gray matter of space, gravity stretches the room and we become farther...and farther apart. The seconds become minutes or even _moments _before Akira responds. Even then it's not an audible response, but something more. It's a smirk that blooms on his face. Ripening and coloring into a beautiful red tint on his cheeks. I'd never seen him blush before. Cry, sob... scream even. Never this.

"I love you, Natsuki. But you... you already know that." My nod is minute, a subtle movement between us.

"I can't be with you like this though. I want it to be perfect, I want to be better. I want to love _you_ more than Yuki, but that will take time. If you will wait for me I'd...appreciate that. But it's really unrealistic and I'm sorry, I'm such and idiot I shouldn't expect anything of you. Akira you've already done so mu-" Finally, he gave me what originally asked for. Begged. Nearly five months late, but it happened. After more tears and sorrow I'd ever experienced my body was sinking into his, lips locked and tugging with every fiber in me, in him. I've still never experienced a kiss quite like our first. My heart was beating slow, but shallow, my breaths slipping from me as he was taking them. Nothing was ever so pure, he didn't push me back onto the bed, and I never gained the courage to slip my hands across him. Everything was concentrated in that one space where we touched. Our heads tilted back and forth with every new brush, bending and melting under each others will.

"Ah-Akira.." My mouth barely managed to say his name before uncontrollably falling back into him. The action was intoxicating, stealing every thought or doubt ever to creep into my mind. _He loves me so much... god … _

We mingled for a moment longer before prying ourselves apart. "Natsuki..." His eyes shut before reopening, both of us trembling to find our balance, fingers on each others arms, heads dipping to rest on one anothers. "I will wait as long as you need." Akira's fingers found their way into my hair, wrapping and tugging gently.

"Thank you." Thank you for everything. Thank you for being so caring, so loving, so complete for me. "I need to go back."

"I know." His eyes closed painfully, our foreheads together now.

"I'll come back, but I need to do this. For myself."

"I want you to get better. Anything. I'll wait." His words were choppy, almost as if he was starting to cry again.

"Help me pack my things. I can leave in the morning. The sooner I leave... the sooner I'll be back."

"Okay..." His voice lowered another key, nearly a whisper between us.

"Please don't cry." My hand lifted his face, a few tears hit my fingers as I did so.

"I can't help it..."

"I'm sorry, Akira." I never meant for this to happen. Never.

"No...I'm happy. You idiot."

_Happy? _"Oh..."

"You're crying too, you know." After he said it my hands went to my face, to make sure he wasn't lying. Sure enough wetness pricked on my fingertips.

"Once more, Akira please. Kiss me before I go."

Akira's eyes were welting up with tears, everything stirring and bubbling to the edge like it had wanted to for a long time. Tomorrow, he said. Akira promised and began packing my things and booked my flight out. After all of that was said and done, he curled up next to me. And for the first time we fell asleep together. When he drifted away with his head on my chest I carefully began to unwrap his turban, taking each layer with care. Akira wriggled in his sleep, eyes opening and closing, lips smiling as my fingers weaved through his beautiful brown hair.

"Go to sleep." My voice was barely a whisper. "Go to sleep..."

"Just for a while longer..."

Natsuki grunted. "For a while is a phrase that can't be measured. At least by the person whose waiting...Haruki Murakami."

"Your favorite author..." Akira's voice was fading fast. "Goodnight, Natsuki."

"Goodnight."


	15. Thank You

The plane ride was harmless. A small peck on the cheek from Akira and Yuki's hand in mine as we boarded made it all the less painful. I knew what I had to do. I knew in the long run... that it was going to be for the better.

After three months of not seeing my family I was relieved to be greeted with smiles. No shallow nods nor whispers about what had conspired in the past. I was there, and for that... they gave me smiles. I'd forgotten how much I'd loved needless chatter of the dinner table, or boss circling around like a shark trying to steal a bite or two. The normality of my life had been restored. I was smiling without faking it, and breathing without pangs or weariness. What Akira had done for me worked better than I'd known. I was free.

Free minus the boy sitting behind me. Smiling and appearing as he pleased. But even him... even Yuki didn't make me sad anymore. It was like my sense of grief was gone. Everything had been sped up and healed for the sake of the final goal I'd set for myself. Back to Akira. Back to India. To him.

"Natsuki, why didn't Akira accompany you back?" Father asked, shoving another mouth full of food into that bottomless pit of his.

"He had to get back to work." That's right. He took months off just for my safety. To calm whatever worries he had to help. Had he lost money? Was there some type of punishment for his sudden absence?

"That's too bad. I really wanted to thank him."

"Thank him?" My mind muddled on the phrase for a moment. He saved me. My father's only son, his first child. More than that... someone he deeply cared for. Should _I _thank him?

After dinner I unpacked my bags swiftly in order to find my phone. I typed Akira a short message. Something that had needed to be said for a while. After all, now that I was living and happy for it why shouldn't I just...say it? He deserved so much more than the credit, more than those words that seemed as if they came short. But, I thought, for now it will do.

Message: Sent To Akira

9:34pm

"Thank You."


	16. Yuki Sanada

"You're doing it _all wrong._" Yuki said once more, letting the annoyance fill his voice. We'd been at the beach for an hour without any progress. Just me, him and the tackle kit. Why can't I just tie this damn knot correctly?

"I mean I can get it if I watch you..." My fingers fiddle as I pretend to tie it.

"You have to be able to do this by yourself. I won't always be here."

My jaw clenched, remembering what Yuki told me when I'd died. _I'll always be here. Whenever you need me._ Why had that changed? Because of Akira right? This was the path I'd chosen. Get better, learn to fish, forget Yuki and live my life. But why? What irrational decision had lead me to that conclusion? My feelings for Akira? What were they in comparison to the pain I felt when Yuki spoke? What about those feelings? Was it more or less right to dismiss one of those feelings than the other?

"Natsuki?" Yuki's hand met mine, a fleeting touch that made me cringe. "You're getting frustrated, c'mon we can take a break. You don't need to stress yourself out this will take time."

"I can't."

"You can. Look, we just need to take a break –"

"No, I mean I can't go through with this."

The ocean breeze whirred past us. Well, past me, and right through Yuki. But my words had reached him.

"No. We decided...Natsuki...we decided what was best."

"What you think is best."

"You can't _be_ with me. _I'm dead._"

"Death." There was a laugh at the end of my voice. Why couldn't this be simple? Why were my feelings trying to betray me now?

"Natsuki...don't... don't laugh."

"Many a time I have been half in love with easeful Death, Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme, To take into the air my quiet breath. Now more than ever it seems rich to die. To cease upon the midnight with no pain."

"John Keats."

"Ode to a Nightingale."

"Do you think you're clever?" Yuki frowned, half fearful of those lines I'd just so desperately murmured.

"I think death is easy. Death takes. I don't want to, but now more than ever it seems rich to die. Gaining more than loosing. Fruitful instead of painful."

"Do you think you're the only one in this? I'm the one who is missing. I'm _gone._ I have no choices, I have no one. My life is gone. I'll never grow older. Never make love or marry. You still have all of that ahead of you. Don't double those losses. Don't take all those things from yourself. Don't take the only joy I have left away. I want to see you live. I want more than anything to see that."

"But – "

"And before you go quoting John Keats ever again, know that he died in the arms of his best friend. Who, sixty years later was buried beside him. He lived. He went on, and did wonderful things."

"Best friends and lovers are different..."

I was so selfish back then. Any excuse that could squirm its way out of my mouth did. So much pain had come to me, and I'd thought it unfair. The choices, and the gravity of those choices. But it wasn't until later that I'd genuinely thought about what Yuki had said. He was the one who'd gone. He was dead, and even though he'd left a hole in our lives it was hard to forget that he was the one missing. Yuki Sanada had payed that ultimate sacrifice, unjustly, and prematurely. A life full of memories that were going to be remembered by no one. Thoughts and feelings that wouldn't be mimicked by anyone else. They were truly him, all those pieces that made him up. And after much trouble and working at my fishing I realized this.

Yuki Sanada was gone. A point in time that had ceased five months ago. If I were not to live and carry on what little of him was left then who would? Who would tell their children, and speak of a first love so vivid and sweet however heart breaking it may be.

I wanted people to remember him. I wanted to live for Yuki, for my father, my sister, Akira, and everyone in my life. But especially for him...Yuki Sanada.

_Memento Mori_


	17. That Night

_Six Months Later_

"Hey! Come back here..." Haru leaped onto my back, forcing me to stumble to the ground. For such a small little person, he could certainly weigh a person down. My casts were all gone at that point. After eight months of recovery most of my bones had healed enough, the only slight problem was my collar bone. My skin had been pale those first few weeks after taking the casts off, reminding me how long the process had actually taken. All of that seemed to disappear then. My hair was growing long, a tan was ripening on my skin. At least as much of a tan you could get in October. It didn't matter if it was starting to get cold. I felt healthier. The sun was warming me, I could move when I felt like it, I could run. _I could fish again. _

"C'mon get off!"

"Prince, don't struggle." Haru whined into my hear, humming in his beautiful voice. "_Prinnnce._"

"Haru, you're hurting my collar bone c'mon." A whimper and a curse finally ensured my release. '_Liar_' Haru scoffed under his breath. True enough. I'd only wanted him to get off of me.

"Yuuuukiiii! Natsuki _lied_." My face turned back to observe his reaction. All Yuki did was smile and place a hand on Haru's shoulder. _He hasn't looked at me all day. _

I should have known it would have been that day. Six months hadn't prepared me enough. I'd invited my family, and Haru to our house for a celebration of my clean bill of health, and release of all pesky medications. Akira didn't answer his phone. Yuki told me not to worry, saying he was probably busy with work.

My communication with Akira over my leave had been somewhat awkward. I had texted him a lot the first three months, and it seemed as Akira got busier and busier that he responded less and less. Eventually, our communication ceased a week before the party. I called numerous times, but even then he wouldn't answer. Had I done something wrong? Or had he fallen out of love with me?

"Natsuki! Congratulations!" My father stepped up to me, encircling me with one of those very hearty fatherly embraces. The rest of that night was filled with drama. The ever arriving guests and their happy phrases they felt obligated to utter. Haru always getting into something, and the distraction of Yuki's silence always rode in the back of my mind. That night I'd forgotten about Akira. The first night in six months of reminding myself of him I'd actually forgot. With distraction and worry I was able to let it go if only for that night.

But after that night everything changed.


	18. Goodbye

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes."

It was late. The moon had crossed the sky, and I could feel the sun peeking out on the other side. Haru had just been lain down, the rooms finally cleaned, everyone gone, and the house in silence. Yuki was sitting outside in one of the lounging chairs, letting the moonlight seep through him and onto me. One, two, three steps forward and I found myself able to sit next to him and with great discomfort asked a question I already knew the answer to.

"This is goodbye isn't it?" I tried to look at him, but Yuki's hair was in his face, covering any hope of reading an expression.

"Yes." It was a calm response. Predicted.

"I won't ever see you again?"

"No."

"Yuki, it's okay to cry." I said it, trying to put the feelings on him instead of on me. Honestly, it was me who wanted to cry, if even for a little bit while I could still see his face.

"There's no need, because I'll always be here with you. I'll see you whenever I please. But I'll make sure the same won't be said for you. You'll never see me again. You'll never mutter my name again, Natsuki."

"I won't stop talking about you just because you're gone. I won't stop whispering in my sleep, because I know you can hear me. It's okay..." My hand slipped onto his, and even though Yuki never moved from it, the weight of those trembles were more than enough. He couldn't deal with the contact.

"I'm proud of you. That's why I'm leaving. I trust you."

"I know." _I know... I'll never try to hurt myself again. I can fish. I can make decisions clearly, I've mourned...even while you've been here. I'm ready to let go. I'm ready. _

"Natsuki, I just wanted to say that –"

"Stop acting so tough. You may be leaving me and the rest of this world, but this is more your loss than anyone's. You've lost us too."

"Natsu...ki?" I was tired of talking without looking in those eyes. As if he'd been half ignoring me in a sense. A hand under his jaw forced him in my direction. If there was a time to be bold it was then. The last time.

"I love you, Yuki. Goodbye."

I shouldn't have. I said that in my head then, and though it's been years I'm still not sure if what I did was right or wrong. For the both of us. It was selfish maybe. But reminiscing... he didn't seem to resist. Did he welcome it? Just one last goodbye kiss. The first one since he brought me back to life. Eight months ago. But this time it was Yuki who was trembling, it was his turn to mourn and lean into me a bit more than he wanted to show. Teetering and grasping at my hand before forcing himself away.

"I love you too, Natsuki." Yuki looked to my eyes, still staying close enough to make us both hurt. _Say it. _I wanted to scream, he wasn't allowed to do this. He has to say goodbye.

"Yuki." My voice pressed, and with that his eyes closed and reopened. One last look.

"Goodbye." The words finally left, and to my surprise just before he disappeared from sight Yuki smiled.

"Natsuki?" I twisted my neck backwards to see Haru at the door. The draft probably woke him. I should have closed the door. "Why are you out here all alone?"

"I'm not alone." My jaw clenched as I turned around, leaving the seat where we'd both been and where we'd never be again. Haru seemed to understand, and for once decided not to comment or question.

"There's someone on the phone for you."

"Okay, I'm coming." Thoughtlessly my feet carried me, and the weight was there again. _You can do this. _But the images of Yuki were still there, the kiss and that smile of his. _Breathe. _Haru put his hand on my back as I entered the house. It was the first time I think we'd ever truly understood each other, Haru and I. There was an attempt to smile back at him, but it was in vain.

"It's okay, prince. You don't have to pretend."

_**Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back.**_


	19. Band-Aid Boys

"I should...go to bed..."

"But the phone!"

"Tell them to call back later, it can wait until morning." Haru's eyes narrowed, but knew more than anything that he was probably the only person I could face at the moment. The only one I wouldn't have to smile and keep up for in such a beaten down state. _The phone can wait_, I said it in my head over and over again until he nodded in understanding.

I watched as Haru muttered something into the phone, but my ears had tuned the world out. I was trying to hear something else, _someone_ else. A non-existent noise. The sound of the ocean swaying back and forth, intermingled with his laughter. My hand slipped to the banister before I let my feet slowly trudge up the stairs. I could walk up them, but I felt broken again in all sorts of places. For such a long time my physical appearance manifested what I felt like on the inside. _I'm better now. _My foot stopped at the second to last stair. _I can't go into my room and cry. I can't be like this. _

"Natsuki?" Haru quickly ran up the stairs to meet me.

"Haru, be quiet." I hissed to him under my breath, worried his loud call and heavy steps would wake up my entire family.

"Let me help you." Haru carefully nudged in front of me to offer his hand. God, he looked ridiculous. Wearing a pair of my plaid blue pajamas and on of my many black t-shirts, the two of us looked like siblings in matching clothes. I should just buy him clothes to wear when he comes.

"I'm not having trouble," I scoffed under my breath, trying to play it off. But once again Haru saw through me, and his hand was offered until I took it a moment later.

"I'm sad too you know. It hurts, right here." Haru's left hand lingered at his chest while the other had refused to let go of mine even after getting up that last step. I didn't mind too much. At times like this when we were alone, and he was acting right, what was so wrong with holding his hand? Haru was like a little brother to me as much as I didn't want to admit it.

"You can still see him."

"No, Natsuki," Haru finally let go, pushing my bedroom door open. "I can't see him anymore. He said it wouldn't be fair. It's not normal for humans...to..."

"Haru?" I followed him blindlessly into my dark room, feet avoiding a few objects I knew for certain were on the floor until my hands found the bed. "Haru, where'd you go?" _Why did he shut the door. It's pitch black in here. _

"On the bed." He sniffled.

"Haru, you can't stay in here. I made the bed for you downstairs." I'd considered taking my glasses off, but I was still hoping that my eyes would adjust just enough to see some sort of vague outline. Even when it did, I never saw Haru crying.

"Can't I stay up here tonight?" Haru murmured, rustling the covers on my bed. There wasn't any point in arguing with him. I was too tired, and emotionally exhausted to exert the kind of effort it would take to get him out. Even something more that I didn't want to admit was I needed him there. If only for that night. We'd both needed each other.

"Scoot over." My insides groaned as he decided to take the left side of the bed, _my side. _

"Natsuki?"

"Go to sleep Haru." I discarded my glasses on the floor, only hoping that Haru wouldn't step on them when he awoke.

"What's a 'Next of Kin'?"

"What? It's like, when you're hurt or injured...or in trouble. Information is passed to your next of kin. Like my dad. It's usually someone related to you, and if you don't have family then your husband or friend." I knew he wouldn't fully understand, but explaining it would be the easiest way to get to sleep faster.

"Are you Akira's next of kin?" My heart sunk as my eyes opened trying to think about why or where he'd heard that.

"Not that I know of." I took a shallow breath, recalling all the events of the night and pausing between every memory. Anyone who would have said something. Did Yuki say something?

"Well, that's what the person on the phone said."

My body shot up and rolled out of bed before the next words could leave my mouth.

"Who? Who was on the phone with you Haru?" My hands fumbled on the ground for my glasses but I heard a loud _crack_ before I could reach them. My body whirled around to see Haru standing on them, clumsily moving aside before exclaiming his pain. "_Who?"_

"That scary man from before. He wore purple lipstick." Haru pouted, no doubt trying to pick out the glass from his foot.

"Stay right there, I'll grab the first aid kid, and the phone. Just..._stay_." My feet hurriedly carried me down the stairs. One, two, three, four...every step was individual. Every step took time. I needed to know if he was alright. What if he wasn't? What was I going to do?

The phone was in my pocket before the first aid kit, and I'd nearly forgotten halfway up the steps to rush down and get it for Haru. _Concentrate, Natsuki. It's going to be alright. It's Akira. There's no way... anything would happen to him. But if he was...if there was something wrong with him, It'd be understandable why he wasn't talking to me. Why his responses became less and less.. if he were working on a dangerous location. _

"Shit." My breath hitched as I turned the lights on in my room. Haru was bleeding a lot more than I'd originally thought.

"Natsuki, it hurts.." Haru whimpered trying to pick another piece of glass out of his foot.

"Don't touch it!" I yelled a bit too loud. Suddenly the injured, painful face of Haru's morphed into that of tears, and fear. _Damn it. Why now? Not while I'm like this. _I slapped a pair of my spare glasses on before reclaiming Haru's hand that had held mine earlier. Confused, Haru's tears stopped, forcing him to swallow hard.

"Natsuki?"

"I'm really worried right now," My fingers squeezed his harder, unsure about being completely honest with him "I need to clean you up, and call them back. But you need to calm down. I didn't mean to yell at you. I just don't want it to make you worse. I promise to give you lots of pink band-aids okay? Those are your favorite right?"

"Okay, Prince!" Haru's face lit up, attempting to shift his mood and be still for at least a minute.

"Thank you." I got to work then. How was it that Haru had broken my glasses in half and got the biggest piece of glass wedged into his heel? "This is going to hurt. Squeeze my hand. It'll only be for a second." _This has to get out. _

"Mhmm." Haru's hand shook, and squeezed even before I pulled it.

"See?" I showed him the piece of glass, now in my hand. "You're very tough."

"B-Band aids now?"

"Almost." I wiped off the blood, and put on a little anesthetic before showing him the prize.

"Why don't you act like this all the time, Natsuki?"

"Wh-what do you mean?" I scoffed, putting on the third band-aid.

"You act so tough and cold, but really you're just like..." Our eyes met as his voice trailed off. He didn't have to say it. _You're just like Yuki. _

"Lay down, Haru. You don't need to be walking around on your foot until morning."

"Prince..."

I hit redial on the phone, waiting for it to call the last number. _Pick up, pick up._

"Hello, is this the Usami residence?"

"This is Natsuki." It was the boss. What was his name? That asshole who tried to murder us. Who tried to murder a whole boat of his comrades. I'd talked to Akira about him often, and their history. He'd tried his hardest to convince me that their training would have permitted such an action...however horrible it may have seemed. But it didn't matter to me. Training or not, you should listen to your comrades when they say they can do something.

"Geez, do you know how hard it is to get a hold of you?"

"Where is Akira?"


	20. Code Name

"Honestly, I was hoping _you'd _be able to tell me where Akira is. Well, not really." George Ace bickered in the background, no doubt stuffing his face or laughing about his silly joke that I'd yet been able to understand. He was just noise to me, and I needed answers.

"Why are you calling? Do you know what time it is here?"

"I do, Natsuki. Say, since when were you Akira's next of kin? I have been for so long now. It kinda ticked me off that I had to call you about this." His voice was bitter, but still held that beautiful bite, like he was smiling while saying it all.

"About _what?" _I hissed quietly into the phone, turning away from Haru and his innocent ears.

"Akira is _missing_. MIA to be more correct. For the last six months after he had to baby sit you he's been on a top secret mission in South Korea. He is supposed to have very little contact with us, or anyone on the outside for that matter, but it's been awhile since he's phoned in. When was the last time you spoke with him?"

_That's the reason. The reason we haven't been talking. He's never been ignoring me, never been bored of me. Why, why couldn't he tell me? What if our communications are the reason he's missing? _

"A week ago. It was just a tex-"

"Wow," I listened as George Ace took the phone from his face, speaking to someone else for a moment. "Well, he hasn't contacted us in three moths and the emergency system of reaching him has failed since we tried a week ago. Seven days since that means I have the contact the next of kin about official MIA status."

"Are you mad at me? I don't understand what I've done." George Ace was cross. Because he had to call me? Because he was jealous? "Please, just...how are you going to find him?"

"We've yet to make decisions regarding Yamada's safety and whether or not other members of our party should be sacrificed for his cause. He could be in a bad spot. He could be dead. It's important we don't risk our cover."

"What?" My throat was starting to close. Why wouldn't they go help him? Doesn't Ace give a damn? "Then send someone who isn't affiliated with DUCK." _You need to act fast. It doesn't matter who is going. _

"At the moment we don't have any volunteers. Akira doesn't have any family, he's been raised in DUCK. Not to mention, going to Seoul is pricey, I'm not paying for it, and I'm most definitely not going to be responsible for involving citizens."

There it goes. The tears again.

"Prince?" Haru was tugging at my shirt, but I couldn't face him. "What about Akira?" _Not right now. I can't do this. _

"Please, let me go. Just give me the information. I won't ask for your money, I won't tie your name into anything. George, please. I care for Akira just as much as you do."

Silence.

"George?"

The silence went on even longer this time but I understood. George was closer to Akira, he belonged, they were...friends? They were something. They had a bond. Had I tainted that? To feel replaced... it's a deafening silence.

"The information is being sent to via email. All you need to do to investigate is be there, and ask for him by name. I won't be responsible for what happens to you. I will not hold any remorse."

"Thank you."

"Bring him back." Ace's voice finally wavered after playing tough the whole conversation. A sizable slip in his speech. His worry, his humanity showing just a bit.

"The name. What was his cover name this time?"

"As you know, Yamada is his cover name. But this time circumstances were too dire, and we risked nothing. He created a new persona for himself. That's all Natsuki, goodbye. I'll inform you if the situation changes."

_**Click**_

"I-I..." My stuttered reply went unheard,. The bastard hadn't answered my question. The name? What was it? It was then that the sickness set in, the reality of it all. Was I really going to Seoul? And if so what would I find there, his corpse?

"Prince! Prince!" Haru shouted in my ear while pulling on my shoulder.

"I have to save Akira." _Even if I find something I don't want to. I have to try. I must. _

"Are you going alone?"

"Yes, Haru." Finally we met eyes, to see each other silently crying. Haru was mourning for Yuki, and I was mourning for Akira and Yuki. "It's okay to cry, you know that right?" My breath hitched and coughed, realizing how stupid that sounded. Of course it's okay. What would I ever do if it wasn't?

"The phone!" Haru exclaimed, this time pointing to my cell.

"It's an email." _From George Ace. _"Let me see."

"H-here!" Haru shuffled it to me, hoping the letters on the screen would help his ailments. But I knew better, I knew those words would only dig me deeper. "What does it say?"

"File 4560, Operation Seoul, Agent Yamada, Code Name – "

"What?" Haru leaned over to examine the glowing symbols on my phone. Those precious five letters.

CODE NAME: USAMI


	21. To This Day

To this day I can still recall every shining letter. After I made my flight plans I had printed out the email and read it over and over on the trip there. Every word has stuck with me, and haunts me so. Knowing the details far better than the paper could have ever warned, and even more frightening, knowing the truth.

File 4560, Operation Seoul, Agent Yamada, Code NameUsami

_Synopsis: There are aliens who have been secretly living in Seoul, their intentions are unknown but their activity is suspicious. The family whose name they've taken have gone missing, the house they inhabit is not their own, and the local police have somehow been run around their schemes. No one has noticed the missing family, or the suspicious behavior around them. Possible mind manipulation. Possible murders. _

_The aliens, four, whom are classified as JFC, JFK, JFB, and JFP. _

_Information on:_

_JFC:_

_Male, 25 years of age, tall, short brown hair, Korean decent disguise. Assumes a fatherly role._

_JFK:_

_Female 29, short, long black hair, Korean decent disguise. Assumes a motherly role._

_JFB: _

_Female 17, average height, red hair, European decent disguise. Assumes offspring role._

_JFP:_

_Male 13, average height, light brown hair, blue eyes, mixed race disguise. Assumes offspring role._

_In depth:_

_They seem to be working in disguise as a family unit. The objective of this mission is to:_

_figure out what happened to the victim of the family_

_Identify the objective of the Aliens_

_Termination if necessary_

_Communication will be limited._

_JFB and JFP are required by their school to have counseling sessions since they are new to the school in Korea, and need some settling in. Code Name Usami will operate as their counselor. Arrangements have already been made for the switch. Use these sessions as valuable time to learn about their family life, and do not involve civilians. You sadly, will have to also counsel other children, as this is your job. Try your hardest to blend in, and seem natural. _

_I wish you the best of luck on your mission._

_Note for Natsuki Usami: Going to the school disguised as a new student would be your best go. I'm having the appropriate school uniform shipped to your location. Go to the office and ask to speak to a counselor. If you tell them you're a transfer they will surely take you to Yamada if he's there. _

_I wish you the best of luck on your mission,_

_George Ace_

By the time the plane had landed everything was crystal clear. My intent was certain, and nothing was going to stop me from bringing Akira back. Just as Ace had promised the school clothes were in my hotel. God knows how he figured out what hotel I'd booked, but at least they were here...and in my size.

_This is strange. _The tie affixed to me felt odd, after not finishing high school and going off to America. How long had it been since I was in a uniform?

_It's time_. The watch on my wrist buzzed in agreement. _Time to go to school, and see Akira. He'll be there. I'll ask in flawless Korean like I'd practiced during the plane ride, and they'll take me to him. Akira will smile his dashing smile, and as we're left alone the mirage will disappear. He'll scream and ask me why I'm here. He'll tell me to go back home and I'll do nothing but hold him and for a moment as he stops his panic. Akira will ask about fishing, and Yuki. Maybe he'd even tell me how nice I look with my casts off. With my hair long again. Healthy. _

"Let's go." I motivated myself with those high expectations and walked out the hotel door. Never in my life had I been so anxiously excited for a first day at school.


	22. Akira

_Calm Down, Natsuki. _My heart was speeding as I entered the school. Of course I looked as natural as the rest of them, sporting matching clothing and at least being Asian. Spotting out JFB, and JFP was far too easy. They both stuck out like sore thumbs, being some of the only non-Asian students at the school. But then again if you stick out you're less suspicious. You'd suspect the people to be up to something to have perfect disguises.

_Ignore them, and go to the office already before the hallways clear. _

Ten minutes passed after I'd successfully located and gone into the office. The only problem was the lack of staffing. Being in the waiting room was making me anxious, where were the damn people who worked there?

"Sorry for your wait!" A beautiful woman walked in, suitcase and folders in hand. She looked like she'd been in a rush, but her appearance said otherwise. The heels she wore matched the shade of gloss on her lips, and the bag complimented the jacket on her shoulders.

"Sorry," My voice wavered in the unfamiliar Korean language. _What was the phrase again?_

"Oh," She smiled, and happily set her stuff down. The next thing she did I wasn't expecting. "Are you here to see Counselor Usami?" _Sh-she can speak Japanese? _

"I didn't know you could speak Japanese." My face flushed but nervously nodded at her question.

"Well, of course I can they didn't hire me to be a part of the exchange student office for nothing." She was smiling the entire time she spoke, and soon slipped a piece of paper from the folder and attached it to a clipboard.

_Her nails match the heels too. _

"Could you sign your name on this, then you can go right back and see him. Is this your first time?"

"Y-yes, this is my first time." _Name, need a fake name. I can't put down Usami since Akira fucking stole mine. It'd be too suspicious. _

She picked up the clipboard after I was done, smiling and looking at the name if she knew something. Like she knew it was fake, or who the name belonged to, but all the same she smiled and lead me back.

"Usami? You have a student waiting for you, I'm sending him in right now. He's Japanese, so it'll be right up your alley."

_The only thing between me and Akira is this door. Once she's gone I won't have to put up a front, I don't have to pretend or spit out chopped up Korean syllables. Will I be able to contain myself? What will he say? And more importantly why hasn't he contacted us? _

"Give the clipboard to him." She passed it to me, smiling that dashing smile all to leave me alone at the door. I hadn't heard a thing. No response to the nice desk lady, or bustling around the room.

"Can I come in?" My hand moved before he could even respond, the door was open and my feet carried me into the oddly spacious room.

It wasn't how I'd imagined it. I was also not as prepared as I'd originally thought. He was sitting behind a huge black desk filled with papers, holding a pair of thick framed glasses to his face while examining some of those very papers. The turban on his head was gone, and it astonished me knowing he'd never been comfortable enough to keep it off while in public. His presence took up the entire room, though it was a very large one I still felt confined, because for the first time in six months he was right there. Beautiful as ever, and _safe. _My hand shook with the clipboard with it. Akira didn't even look up, but instead held out an arm to take it from me.

My feet walked four paces from the door to hand it off, and he began reading the papers, whatever they were that the nice desk lady had written down along with my fake name.

"Sit down." Akira adjusted his glasses while carefully reading the contents of the paper.

_Look at me damn it. _My fingers adjusted my tie, and nervously I sat in the chair in front of him.

"Yamada, Natsuki." It was then that he finally looked, those big brown eyes letting the name match the face. _Identical Glasses. _I scoffed, admiring our matching frames as a way to avoid his eyes. But it never happened, the moment I wanted so badly. He was never surprised, he never had to stop and stare at me like I was doing to him, but instead he continued on like nothing had happened. "You're a transfer student from Japan, and are having trouble adjusting to school here. Talk to me."

There was nothing more to be than speechless. Were we being watched? Listened to perhaps? What was the reason for keeping up his cover in a moment like this?

"Akira...?" My heart seemed to drop as his name meant nothing coming from my mouth. He only looked confused.

"Please, call me Dr. Usami. It's inappropriate to call me by my first name."

"Akira, cut it out." My voice hissed as my hand reached out to touch his desk.

"Mr. Yamada, do you need to leave my office? I'm feeling rather threatened."

_He doesn't remember me. There's no way he's that good at acting. His eyes are truly confused, I can see it. It's not a lie. _

_What did they do to you, Akira? _

"No, I'm sorry." My breath hitched, realizing the gravity of the situation. If they were controlling him, or had wiped his memory they could probably see me, or at least would surely find out about my mission soon. I couldn't take him back like that...even if they didn't find me. I couldn't rescue someone who didn't remember me at all. "It's just, I know someone with the name Akira..." _Calm down. _"Who...means a lot to me. It just brought back unsettling memories. I don't know what got a hold of me."

"That's okay, Natsuki. Maybe, instead of talking about school do you want to get that off of your mind? It's obviously causing you a lot of stress. I am a doctor, I have a medical degree. I've dealt with a lot of psychologically unstable people. A little stress is okay to release."

_I have a medical degree. _Everything swirled in on those words, that silly lie that triggered more hurtful thoughts. Thoughts of Akira bandaging me up at his house in India, and every time I asked him if he was a doctor the response was always "I have medical training." What a smug and stupid thing to say. It's something only he would do though, some stupid response only Akira could come up with. Only to seem like he's cooler, only because he wanted me to think highly of him.

"Natsuki?"

"I've been in love with him for half a year now. Even though he's been gone. _I've _been gone."

"In love with a boy?" Akira smiled, and wrote something down on his paper. "That won't get you anywhere."

"Obviously." _I'm in Korea for you, I got better for you. It got me somewhere._

"Does he know?"

"Yes, he knows. He's waiting for me because I was a screw up and needed to get my life together."

"Try to kill yourself?"

"H-how did you-"

"Lucky guess. Kids do stupid things for love."

"It wasn't for him it was-"

"For another boy."

My heart beat was hard with those words, my thoughts were racing at light speed. _Those eyes. _He was looking right through me, and there was a smile blooming on his face that was beginning to scare me.

"Yes."

"Do you trust me, Natsuki?" Akira rose from his chair at an alarming rate, the clipboard falling on my side of the desk.

"Y-y.." Yes was the obvious answer. This was Akira, this was someone I loved and left take care of me but this wasn't him, this wasn't my Akira. _No. No I don't. _

"Do you...trust me?" Akira slunk to my side of the desk, reaching over to pick up the discarded clipboard. _What's that? D-o-n-'-t _My back arched with Akira's as we both went for the clipboard. _What's his writing say? … l-e-t-h-i-m-t-o-u-c-h-y-o-u. _

"_You really shouldn't have." _Our eyes met with both of our hands on the clipboard.

"I'm sorry!" My hand released its grip and swiftly hopped over his desk, scattering papers in his face to confuse him. _Don't let him touch you? Akira, are you still in there? _

"Get back over here, and sit _down." _Akira had blown his cover, and it was obvious one of the aliens had control of him. There wasn't any way out of the room, the door was closed, and he now stood in front of it. The only exit.

Alas, a beautiful knock on the door.

"Akira, I'm coming in."

This should have been comforting, the beautiful desk lady coming in to save the day and somehow get me out of the room before scampering off without getting touched by Alien inhabited Akira. It should have, until I realized something. It was JFK. The beautiful motherly type, the description matched perfectly, why hadn't I realized?

She came in and shut the door behind her, smiling that beautiful smile.

"Why don't you sit back down?"


	23. Merely Disposable

_No exit. Outnumbered in a foreign country nonetheless. And Akira... Akira he's...?_

"Sit down and we won't hurt you." JFK hissed before locking the door.

Carefully I stepped to the seat and laid back in it, wearily trying to reassess my circumstances. _No exit. Outnumbered. Akira's... he's not here. At least not mentally available. Not completely. _

"We don't have any problem with your friend Akira here." She begun, taking a firm stance next to her comrade, more than likely JFC who was in control of Akira. "In fact, we've been waiting for you. Akira is just our bargaining chip, we _need _you."

"M-me? What on Earth would you need me for?"

"We're looking for someone." Akira spoke, but it still wasn't him. His smile was cruel, posture abnormal. It makes me sick to think about someone being able to use his body like that. His voice even.

"We call him Urara." The lady watched as my eyes wandered curiously. "We know you know him. DUCK has long kept a secret of his new location, as well as any whereabouts concerning him. Agent Yamada was the one who dealt with his case a while ago so we decided to get DUCK's attention."

"How could you have known they would have sent Akira?"

"It's his specialty. Plus he'd dealt with our kind before."

"They...I mean DUCK didn't know you were Urara's kind." _There was nothing about that in the report. Nothing._

The two aliens seem to glance at each other as if they were as confused as I was, but then the woman smiled and turned back to me.

"I see."

"What?" What was there to notice?

"We expected you to come running after Akira blindly. But DUCK helped you." The smile on her face only brightened with each passing word.

"Of course... I didn't know where Akira was."

"He withheld information from you and willingly walked you into a trap to get what he wanted. He knew who we were, why we were here, and sent Akira accordingly so you could follow after him in case anything happened."

"U-used me?" George Ace withheld information? Did he only call me to get me here, even though it seemed like he certainly wasn't intending on letting me go. It was _my _idea.

"Yes, to get what he wanted."

"And what is that?"

"To get Akira out alive. If Akira is gone Ace thinks there's no other way for us to get to Urara. He also knows Akira is someone you're willing to sacrifice for. He doesn't care what we do to you. This way Akira and all of his information is safe, he doesn't go missing, comes back safely and you disappear. I'm sure you agreed that it wouldn't be his fault. That there wouldn't be any blood on his hands."

"Why would Ace want to get rid of me?"

"I'm not sure he does, but to send you out here and trick you like he did...seems like you're rather disposable. Akira is a lot more important."

"What now then?" _Are they going to let Ace do what he wants? Will they let Akira go in exchange for anything? _

"Ace is wrong." She stepped towards me, heels clacking across the room. "You hold a lot of valuable information."

"And right now," Her comrade moved forward. "_You _are more valuable than _him_."

"We've been trying to break him," She brushed the bangs from her face. "But he's too strong for us. I can't read his mind. He can barely control him. The information I want...is unavailable. But you, Natsuki Usami. You will not resist us for the right price."

"Akira. I want Akira. Let him leave the country." _That's what I came here for. That's what I'll do. _

"If we let him go, we'll control you. We'll use you to find Urara and let you go then."

"Why? Why Urara?"

"He's hiding from a lot on this planet. From justice...from his family. Why do you think an alien would flee his home world in the first place? Urara doesn't belong, he's done terrible things. He does not get to hide where ever he pleases."

"Haru and Coco took him home years ago and he was permitted to come back."

"_No," _She kicked me from my chair so suddenly I could barely hold my arms out to catch myself. "_He loves to look innocent. He likes to lie, he likes to cheat. He did not receive judgment. He ran back as soon as he could and everyone just smiled and went along with it." _

_They're going to kill him if I lead them that way. Will they hesitate to do the same to anyone who would get in their way? What would Yuki think of me killing one of his friends for Akira's sake? Who is more important? How would Haru react? _

"Won't DUCK stop you?"

"We're only using hosts bodies. These are not our own. DUCK would never kill innocent people."

"How do you die then?"

"We can die if our host does, but we usually find the opportune moment before hand to get out. With these bodies we have the upper hand. With yours...we will even more so."

"Then why not keep Akira? Ace would never hurt him."

"Because we need you and your information. We're willing to bargain for that."

_Can I really trust them? Can I trust DUCK to stop them after purposefully running me into a trap? What would Akira think... I'd be ruining his mission. I'd be giving away everything. _

"I want to speak to Akira."

They looked at each other, and the woman nodded.

"One minute."


	24. One Minute

It was difficult not to stare. After she agreed I could hardly take my eyes off of him. Waiting for his beautiful eyes to change and look at me, to _recognize _me.

"Akira?"

His eyes remained closed for a moment longer before reacting to his name.

"Natsuki." Then his eyes were wide, and brow furrowed. But he didn't move, probably because the alien was merely letting him speak. Giving Akira full control would be dangerous.

"I-I..." My hand wavered in front of me, and for a moment our distance seemed greater than it had been when I was in Japan. The need to run up to him and hold him was too great. It was really him. He was there, and that was the face he made when he was worried. That's the way he said my name when I did things he thought I'd rather not. Those subtle things meant so much.

"I'm sorry George Ace tricked you, but I have a feeling you would have come anyhow, idiot."

"Could you...hear us?"

He nodded. "I was used too... so I shouldn't be too mad. They were really after you."

I didn't know what else to say. Was he going to try to stop me? His voice was low, he wasn't panicking. It was almost like he had already somberly accepted the situation.

"I'm going to give myself to them so you can go. You can go and warn DUCK can't you?"

"Warn them...but the second they get into your mind they'll have everything they've wanted. We'll be hard pressed to kill the people of the bodies they're using..."

"I see...so you're not going to stop me?"

"When you were talking to him..." Akira's voice wavered for the first time. "You said you were in love with me. It was nice..." He began to cry without care, sniffling and coughing to finish his sentence. "To hear that again. It made me realize that I can't stop you. I would do the same thing. And most of all I'm not going to leave you in this world alone. I will not die here. It would only cause you pain. I can only trust that they won't hurt you."

"Y-you used my name." My hands were shaking and fumbling with the tie. _What a stupid thing to bring up._

At this Akira smiled, and his tears seemed a little less sad. "And you used mine."

"That's enough." The woman reached into her coat. "He's is going to release Akira and let him walk out of here."

_A hand gun? _

"If you're going to try anything I will not hesitate to pull the trigger on Natsuki."

"You need me for information."

"I need you, but you can be in pain. I'm sure Akira wouldn't want that. Plus if you try anything now, I can't guarantee his safety later." She looked at Akira and all he did was nod.

"Do it now."

With that Akira fell to his knees as he regained his body back fully. For a moment he lay there with his hands in his hair heavily breathing as if he was having trouble breathing.

"Get up now, and go while I'm still letting you."

"Okay." Akira put one leg up and barely managed to hoist himself off the ground. "Natsuki."

"Yes?" I turned to him, but I could still see the gun out of the corner of my eye.

"I'm proud of you." I watched as his hand moved from his shoulder to his wrist, the aliens didn't know what he meant but I knew he was talking about the cast on my arm. It was gone. I had gotten better.

"G-Go now Akira." I sniffled, holding onto the wrist that had been cast up for so long. _I got better for you. Please get out of here safely. _

Then just like that he was gone. They had really let him leave, but it wasn't over. Not for me.

"Get on your knees."

I did as I was told, and even put my hands up for her.

"You probably won't be strong enough to remember anything like he does so I'll thank you now. I hope your friends won't make me hurt you."

With that the gun smacked into the back of my head, and my world spiraled in on the ugly carpeted floor that my hands were so desperately clinging onto.

"Easier to take full control if you're unconscious, c'mon."

She hit me once more, and that time I was out cold. The last thing I remember was the sound of her heels clack, clack...clacking before the door slammed shut.


	25. Miracle

"Don't, don't do it! Are you insane?"

_Whose that? Where am I? _I could hear voices whizzing around in my head, but everything else was unclear. I saw nothing before me. I had no hands nor feet. My surroundings were nothing but darkness with no boundaries, no end in sight. Those voices... they were the only clear thing in my mind and yet they still blurred from moment to moment. Some of it didn't make any sense. Was I hearing correctly?

"George, stop this!" _Akira. That's his voice. Wait, why is he crying? Where am I exactly? _

"It's the only way, Akira. I will have you restrained if need be." Ace's voice was panicky as well, a strange thing to hear.

"You've killed them. You killed all of her comrades...all those innocent bodies they were using too. What happened to protecting innocent people, George?"

"They _used_ me. I won't let that slide." _Oh, I get it now_. The aliens got what they wanted, they out smarted Ace. Maybe they got Urara...maybe not. But they got far...far enough for Ace to kill the other three. I'm... I'm the only one left. His pride was hurt...just enough for him to snap and take innocent lives. Of course it's all in the sake of protection. If Ace had sent that missile to the ship during the Enoshima incident...those would have been casualties in honor too. That's going to be his excuse, eh?

"She will leave his body before you can kill her. She's better than the rest of them." Akira was sobbing like I'd never heard. It was a miracle I could understand a word he was saying. He was so loud...so very very loud.

"Not if I shoot him in the head like I did the others."

"But you're not going to do that! Ace, you can't kill Natsuki." Akira whimpered before I heard him fall to his knees. "I will never forgive you for this. Do you understand me, George Ace?"

"I'm sorry."

It has been said that when you see the ocean for the first time, it's an experience you never forget. As a child who grew up on an island, I've never been able to pin point that exact moment. It's a memory too old and far too insignificant. The ocean has always been there just as the sun has. In that moment after George Ace apologized my senses flipped and suddenly I could see again. The shock of incoming colors made my eyes grow wide to readjust. Akira was there with George Ace... and I realized we were home. We were on the very pier I fell off of, and the ocean was behind them. It had been too long. Taking away my ocean was like taking away the sun. I needed it to live, just as I had needed it when I died. As Akira ran up to me, screaming words I could no longer hear, I thought it fitting to have my ocean together with him. Even though he hasn't always been there, and would never be a constant...he means just as much.

From then on I felt nothing. I heard not a word come from Akira's lips as he lashed out and cried. My eyes wavered and fell onto Ace, ashamed and standing behind him, gun still in hand. Had he shot me? I thought that for a moment before looking myself. Akira's hands were drenched in blood. I looked down to my shirt and saw where the wound had blossomed from. Was this mercy? Could you call it that? Ace's decision to shoot me in the head had been wavered by Akira's pleas and he'd gone for my heart instead. Was is mercy to let me die in his arms? Or would have it been any easier to watch me go down clean?

"It's okay, Akira." I said knowing it wouldn't be too long. All Akira did was shake his head. He had me on the ground applying pressure to the wound then, hoping for a miracle.

"I can't hear anything..." My eyes closed for the first time since I'd gained my sight back. _It's so much nicer here...where I can't see. I'm so tired. _But Akira was shaking my arm, hoisting me up as the stretcher came to pick me up.

I wondered if I'd ever see those beautiful eyes again. They followed close as we sat in the back of the ambulance. My vision was fading once again as the sounds were coming back, but none of it was comforting. Just the sound of Akira whimpering along with the sirens going in one ear and out the other.

I'm not sure how long I've been here in the darkness, thinking about everything that has happened and everything that may still be to come. Is this what it's like to be dead? To see nothing...to hear _nothing. _I've been talking to myself for days on end, hoping for whispers. Hoping that remembering and keeping my thoughts alive will bring me back. But honestly I don't know what's going on. I don't know what this is. This isn't the death Yuki had, nor was it the one that Haru spoke of. I am lost.

The last thing I remember was Akira calling not my name...but someone else's.

"Yuki..."

_Y-yuki? _

"Yuki, if you can hear me I need a miracle."


	26. Drabbles From Your Hospital Bed

10.13.13

Time

I went looking for your journal. It wasn't an easy thing to find but I did it. I finally read everything you wrote, Natsuki. It's like poetry really. I'm ashamed to write in here after you've recorded so many of your beautiful muses... your thoughts. It's been a week since then, and I've got no one to talk to. No one to hear my words, or understand them. Back on the pier when Ace shot you I knew it was it. I saw it in your eyes. The acceptance. Now I know what you felt when Yuki left. But you're not gone. Not yet. It's been a week since then, and I'm still sitting in the hospital. The likely hood of your emergence from the coma is slim. Your family was going to be forced to take you off of the machine because of money. This hospital is the best, and that's what they were paying for. I'm paying for it now, and it's good all the same. I still have hope for you yet. I asked Yuki for a miracle.

10.15.13

Truth

Thinking back I'm not sure what else could have happened. George Ace protected Urara, and eliminated all threats. In a military sense, his actions were flawless. As I've been taught, and how it will read in the report Ace did what was right. Don't bring personal feelings into your missions they say. I've never had a family, never had an anyone. It was alright that way. But you... you are the exception.

10.20.13

Stats

The doctors keep telling me it's hopeless, that your brain function is decreasing. They say I should just go back to work. The nurses talk and romanticize this story about me sitting with you all day. Talking to you and writing in this journal. The way they look at me is unbearable. Pity is all I see. Is there no one, no human being who can truly empathize? What I want is not sympathy.

10.30.13

Lost

You look beautiful today, like you do everyday but it's more to my liking now. The nurses let me cut your hair, it was quite the mess. Once again you match me. Do you remember when I cut your hair in India? You were so angry with me.

11.4.13

Friend

Tapioca was finally recovered from my location in South Korea. I had started to worry, but this happens a lot with our missions. She tags along, and like any other pet even if she wanders off I'm assured she'll always return. I'm not sure if it's easier with her here or not. She can see me wasting away. I sit here everyday and watch you. I talk about the life we could have had like it's going to happen. I ramble on about so many things, Natsuki. Things I didn't even know I wanted to say.

11.13.13

Waiting

It's been a month. It feels like more than that. From here on out it just gets worse they say. The doctor talks of me wasting money but I've bargained for this. George Ace is taking care of the hospital bills now. How nice it must be to send me money for what you've done. There was a time when I felt something for him, but it's all but gone now, devoured by this situation he put you in.

11.20.13

Family

Whenever your family can come visit they're always here. Usually Sakura, and Tamotsu... and occasionally your new little sibling and your fathers wife. It breaks my heart, because I think I've grown immune to this. Every time they're here someone is crying. I don't remember the last time I cried. Is it because I haven't accepted anything yet? I still believe... if Yuki saved you, why not again? Why can't he just do this one thing... I've never asked anything of him.

12.16.13

Habits

After two months I've gained some habits. Always going to the same coffee place before I come, buying a cup for myself and some tea for you. The subject of our morning drink is always the same: talking about our time together in India. You'd think after two months I'd run out of memories but no, those memories seem endlessly stretched out with your name riddled in there. Thinking about our time in India brings endless possibilities of what it could have been like to be with you. After the morning coffee I usually take off your glasses and nap in the chair I sit on most of the day. Directly following your favorite fishing show comes on, and we watch it together. Lunch is always brought up to us by one of the nurses. Another courtesy Ace has tried to extend. Everything after lunch is a blur, sometimes I talk about us, or I try to ask Yuki for help. Visiting hours end around 11pm and I always leave at 11:02pm. You always said it was alright to be fashionably late.

12.25.13

Christmas

Merry Christmas, Natsuki. You have given me the greatest gift today. Though the doctors say it's normal, you squeezed my hand as I spoke to you. I shouldn't get excited about this, because your brain activity is lower then ever. This means nothing...medically. But it meant the world for my heart.

1.1.14

New Year

It's been such a long year for me. Loosing Yuki, falling in love with you, loosing you...

I'm unsure what this year holds, but I know that whatever there is to come it will be hollow in comparison. I have lost my will to do anything. To function, and go to work even though Ace is still paying me. To cry because I should realize by now you're long gone. I can't even say goodbye because you're still breathing, because Yuki gave me hope once. I don't know how to say goodbye.

2.12.14

Done

I've arranged it... It's been a while coming but I've finally been able to. The plans are all worked out to take you off the machine. This is good for me, right? Tell me it's okay...please. I can't leave you here alone, but I can't bare the thought of coming here every day for much longer. I'm slowly loosing myself. I'm ready to cry. I'm ready to tell you goodbye.

2.21.14

A year ago

This is the first date logged in the journal. Only a day or two after we arrived in India together. Do I really smell like lavender and cinnamon? I always thought you were the one that smelled like that.

3.18.14

End

This is my last entry. Today we're taking you off the machine. They say you'll last a couple hours without it, but that will be it. I don't think I should write in here anymore, there are better ways to preserve not only your memories but my sanity. I only hope that this is okay. That this end will bring on something new. Something distracting, or something awful even. Nothing will be like this. Everything will pale in comparison. I've never been in love before, and now I truly understand. If your ghost isn't walking around like Yuki's you must be lost, you must be in limbo. You should be with him. You shouldn't be kept here by me, waiting at your bedside like some child. I love you, and that's why I'll let you go.


	27. You've Grown Up

**Natsuki.**

**Natsuki?**

_Whose voice is that? _

I immediately shot up from the hospital bed, clinging wires, and breathing machine all jumping in tandem. The room looked real. I could smell. There were things to see besides the ones I was merely making up in my mind. It was midday, and the smell of hot coffee and a cup of black tea still lingered in the small atmosphere of the isolated room. My head spun around, checking the local surroundings as my heart rate burst back into existence. _This is real. _But my heart dropped as I noticed who was calling my name.

"Natsuki?" It was my mother.

"This isn't r-real." My voice caught, and with it that same syllable broke my hopes. I was never going to come back, was I?

"Akira wouldn't want you to say such a thing."

My eyes dilated in confusion. She didn't know about Akira. If this was a dream...an illusion I'd made for myself then she would... this is just... what I want to see.

"M-mom." I wanted to tell her she was wrong, and that I'd been making her up but the clarity in her image, the sound of her voice being so crisp when I knew she was long gone stung. I couldn't tell my mother no.

"It's okay Natsuki, just breathe." She was wearing those same old glasses, and the same old haircut. Sporting the clothes she did as she died. We were even in the same hospital, the one that I had been in after falling off the pier.

"I'm scared." There were tremors in my voice, but mom reached her hand out for mine.

"Natsuki, this is real. You have to believe that or I won't be able to help you."

My expression soured, feeling as if my mind was trying to comfort me. If I accepted the words she said would I be lost forever?

"H-how do I know you're real?"

"Look around you, Natsuki."

I observed once more. An empty cup of coffee and a full cup of tea sat at the table next to her. Behind me the window was open, and we were on the first floor it seemed. I gazed back at my mother in confusion, but she gave me that look. _Try again. _The third time my eyes fell across the hospital room I saw my journal near a basket of flowers adjacent to my bed. The flowers were lavender. _Akira's been here. He's had my journal, he's... brought me tea? Am I alive somehow? Does the alien still have control over me even after I was shot? _Then my vision grazed the monitor to my left. _I'm hooked up to a machine. _That's when I understood. My eyes shot back to my mother and she smiled, proud of the son she'd made that could figure out things for his own.

"I'm in a coma." It was such a relief to know what was happening. That after months of being alone in that darkness there was a reason for it all.

"They've taken you off the machine. That's why I could finally reach you. I've been waiting such a long time. Yuki had to ask me a favor seeing as he couldn't come in contact with you anymore."

"Yuki... w-wait. Am I dead now?"

"No, I'm merely sustaining you. If I hadn't been here when they turned off the machine you'd surely be dead by now though. I'm sure there are doctors scrambling right now to figure out how you're breathing and what's happening inside your brain. Surely, Akira has been given hope again."

"Akira... how long has it been?"

"A little over five months."

I couldn't respond to that at first, with a number so big... I wasn't able to accept Akira would stay here that long.

"What now?"

My mother crossed her legs, smiling and acting as if everything was alright.

"Pulling another miracle on you is risky business. I don't know how many times just one person can be saved. But maybe the universe likes you, maybe it will let you live. It sure seems that way." Her eyes grew dim.

"S-sakura misses you." I spat out, knowing that her sadness was embedded deep. The fact that her one life didn't even turn out, and the universe was not as forgiving to her as it was being to me.

"I'm always with you there, Natsuki. I know."

"Then you know about Mari-"

"Everything is fine." She smiled, and it was nothing short of genuine. This is what would happen to Yuki right? Eventually I would move on too, love someone else, _be _with someone else perhaps and the life we had would fade. I would move and the dead would remain static. It was tragic, but the calmness in my mothers voice was accepting. "I'm glad that it's you who gets to live." _That's right...a mother would do anything to see her children...live. _

"Now what?" I fiddled with the IV in my arm, poking and prodding at it as my senses never reacted to the pain that should have been coming._ Technically this isn't real. _

"After I bring you back, hopefully you'll be able to stabilize. They're is only so much I can do to help you. Of course you know that." My mother looked at me like any parent would, knowing what I'd done months before. Scared, and like she'd been somehow personally to blame for my actions.

"It's really you, isn't it?" My fingers entangled with hers finally after my apprehension before.

"You've grown up to be so handsome, Natsuki. And such a good brother."

The tears wouldn't come, and I knew it because we were still in limbo but I wanted to cry for her. She'd made me so much of who I was, and it was too much to think it would be her who would try to save me now.

"Stay still, Natsuki." I knew it was coming, like Yuki had done to me when we kissed. But this time it was my mother violently snapping the end of my IV from my wrist. I screamed even though I felt nothing at first, she tried to smile, but it was hard for a mother who knew what may be coming. "Stay strong, Natsuki." Then it hit. Straight from the center of my mass like the first time, a wave of pain emanated from me until my body grew numb and I slipped, hopefully...back into consciousness.


	28. Medical Training

"Mr. Yamada, where do you think you're going?" Akira had collected his things neatly. The cup of coffee, and black tea had been properly discarded in the trash can. Natsuki's journal was in his grasp, along with his jacket.

"I can't _do _this anymore." Akira was on the verge of crying. The once quiet and solitary hospital room had recently been flooded with nurses, surgeons and all different types of hospital personnel.

"You don't understand, this is... this is a miracle!" The nurse proclaimed, smile present and everything. But this wasn't a miracle for Akira. It wasn't what he'd asked for. Yuki, hadn't pulled through for him.

"He's sustaining without the respiratory breather...for longer than expected. He should have gone by now." Akira dully repeated words he'd heard whispered or even in some cases shouted in the room within the last four hours.

"That's amazing! Don't you see we could revive him possibly? His brain function is increasing, even though it's just a bit that's good! We've given him medication and-"

"Don't you see?" Akira pulled a broken smile. "I'm done. I'm not going to sit around while you play doctor...and nothing comes of it. I've done that for five months now. I'm leaving, I'm not coming back. I'm the one paying for the hospital bills, get him out of your room, _now._"

Her face turned pale, seeing the man that had gone by every day loving and hoping had finally lost every last bit of hope there was to have.

"If you get a stretcher, I have a vehicle large enough to transport him somewhere. Get the papers for me to sign, damn it. I can take him even if he's in a coma, he's not on the fucking machine anymore."

"Yes, Mr. Yamada." Her response was less chipper that time. She turned her back to return to the room, and her news was brought by a hush of all the other doctors.

"Mr. Yamada, wait!" The head doctor ran back out. "We'll pay you, this could be a new leap in medical discovery. This could save people."

"This isn't a miracle. This is just my luck." Akira turned back to the doctor, eyes shallow. "The papers, get them now."

…_**...**_

After an hour Akira was allowed to leave, and in his own protests the doctor packed a med kit with him if Natsuki needed to be resuscitated. _What am I doing? _Akira rounded the corner of the hotel lot that he'd permanently booked for the last five months. Natsuki was taken out of the back of the van gently, and Akira caught his own breath to see Natsuki still breathing. _How much longer? _

Maybe it was pointless to bring him there, knowing that he'd have to bring him back to the morgue in that hospital so soon. But if Natsuki could be here for a little while without the machine Akira wanted to take his chance and be away from all those doctors trying to pick and prod at Natsuki. If he was going to leave, it was going to be in peace... like Akira wanted it to be.

Akira's fingers fiddled with Natsuki's journal, thumbing through the pages till he found the one.

"Last night I snuck into Akira's room while he was sleeping. I don't know why I did it. That's a lie," Akira smiled, reading it aloud like Natsuki could hear, and become embarrassed. "Well, I just wanted to see him with the turban off. The entire time we've been here he hasn't slipped up at all. Always awake before me, always with that damn thing on." Akira didn't read the last sentence in that entry. In fact, it was too embarrassing for him to read out loud, even though he knew Natsuki couldn't hear. _His hair is really... cute._

"Do you really think so?" Akira asked the boy, still comfortably in his coma. Then Akira began to unravel his turban, something he'd been unwilling to do at the hospital in front of everyone there.

"Is it still cute?" Akira laid his head on the bed, even though they weren't at the hospital anymore they assumed the same position. Natsuki took up the entirety of the queen sized bed in the hotel room, and Akira was sitting next to him with a chair he'd pulled from the desk. "It needs to be trimmed...a turban is a really great excuse to not fix it. It's like...wearing a hat almost."

Akira lay there for a while, enjoying the closeness they couldn't have in the hospital room. His head lay on Natsuki's chest, letting the sound of his heartbeat lull him into sleep. _Maybe I won't wake up...maybe I'll find where he's gone. Maybe after he's dead I could see him like he saw Yuki...but maybe...he'll go find Yuki instead. _

"No use thinking like that, huh?" Akira asked him again, but this time something was different. His head shot up from its position to look at Natsuki, to really look. The room was quieter. _He's stopped breathing. _For a moment Akira was able to deny what was happening, but then the panic set in. _No, please. Don't go. _Akira was about to cry when he remembered the med kit strapped onto the stretcher. Suddenly it was a race for time, and a spark of terror, not hope struck Akira as he ran to fish out the cardiac defibrillator from the bag.

"Natsuki, please." Akira's voice cracked, removing Natsuki's shirt as the defibrillator charged.

"_Say, Akira. Are you a doctor?" _Akira recalled the times when Natsuki's bandages had to be changed at the house in India. "_No, I have medical training." _

"What a cocky ass answer, huh?" Akira halfheartedly laughed at himself, trying to distract his thoughts. The machine made contact with Natsuki's chest, and Akira held the position, adjusting to the recoil. He'd done this before. In the field there was a mission where Akira was unable to return to the field. They kept saying they needed more doctors, but Akira certainly wasn't one. _You can learn. _A nurse put the defibrillator in his hands as a patient lay dying on the table. "I can't do this." Akira swallowed his stomach, feeling as if he was going to become sick. He knew the man on the table. In fact, he'd already watched more than a few of his comrades fall. He didn't want to be responsible for their deaths. "Do it now," Akira obeyed, and with that one sloppily done shock the man burst back to life. Eventually, he learned where to press, and how to use other sorts of resuscitation for certain types of emergencies. The defibrillators were most commonly used for cardiac arrest. Akira was no doctor, but for several months he did have 'medical training.'

"Natsuki, please." This was the third time the defibrillator had struck his chest without luck or signs of hope. "Please." He knew it was over. The fourth time came with tears and shaky hands, Akira's left hand accidentally hit the boys shoulder.

"Fuck." He threw the machine off the bed. Akira was over his body, sitting in his lap as he'd been trying to bring him back. "Natsuki." He looked at the boy, face peaceful. _I can't give up. _But the truth was Akira had given up a while ago, but he never knew how scary this was going to be. That the actual reality of loosing him made him fight even more. Akira leaned his head back, and held the boys nose. He finally let their lips meet, breathing in and out into his mouth. A hand on his chest made sure it rose and fell, letting the oxygen stimulate his lungs. When he removed himself his hands assumed the position to continue CPR, thrusting his chest a couple of times before Akira collapsed into tears for the final time.

_I doubt there are meds in the bag to help... or a fucking breathing machine. I-I should have stayed at the hospital. _Akira told this to himself, but the outcome would have been the same. Nothing was going to bring back Natsuki.


	29. No Regrets

"Natsuki, I'm sorry there wasn't anything I could do. I've done everything I know. I've... I've waited, I've let you go, I've tried to bring you back. Nothing gives... it only takes from me."

Akira had his cell phone out, ready to call the emergency number to take them away. Akira wouldn't be able to stand being alone with his dead body for much longer.

Once the call had been done, Akira closed his phone. This was going to be the last time they were together.

"Natsuki, if you're dead...I hope you're wherever you really want to be. Even if it's not with me." Akira slipped the glasses from Natsuki's face. Somehow they'd been able to hold on this entire time, Akira had never lost them. Always bringing them in the morning and taking them off at night.

"If I had let you kiss me that first night this all would have changed. You would have hurt me, you never would have tried to kill yourself. We'd have never gone to India, and you probably would have never accepted Yuki's death. You'd be in love with him. You would have never come chasing after me like the idiot you are. You would have never been in danger."

Akira never stopped crying, but moments later something terrified him. A sharp inhale from Natsuki's lungs shook his whole body.

_Wh-what's happening? _Akira checked his pulse once more, fingers resting on the boys neck.

"Y-you have a pulse." Akira wanted to be happy about this, but without something to sustain Natsuki's weak body the probability that he would continue breathing was slim. Nothing but a weak pulse ready to flicker back out.

"I wouldn't have changed a thing." Natsuki's eyes fluttered open, seemingly relieved that he knew this was reality.

"N-n..." Akira choked on the boys name, he'd said it so many times. So many months of speaking to a boy who wouldn't answer, Akira couldn't believe it.

"No regrets." Natsuki's voice was soft, "Always with a smile. Always with your head held high." He manged to break a smile for Akira, before he collapsed on him, hands aching to embrace every inch of the boy.

"Stay with me," Akira feared this was only momentary. "The ambulance will be here soon." He was in shock, Akira was trembling far worse then Natsuki had ever seen. "Don't close your eyes, please don't go back to sleep. Talk to me, say anything."

"Your hair really let itself grow, since when do you walk around without a turban on, hm? Are we going to go to the hospital like that?" Natsuki began to cough, but Akira was still shaking, even between bouts of tears and now laughter.

"It's really you."

"In the flesh." Natsuki tried to be funny, hoping that Akira would manage to calm himself down and maybe wrap his hair back up before the ambulance arrived. He never did get the turban back on, and for the first time in years Akira accompanied Natsuki in public practically without anything on his head. He pondered buying a hat in the hospital shop, but the thought of leaving Natsuki left him in a panic.

Soon after their arrival, Akira had to be admitted as well. His panic attack had begun to put too much stress on his heart, but all went well with him.

"Thank you." Natsuki muttered, their beds next to each others.

"For?"

"Watching over me."

"D-do you remember anything?"

"Bits and pieces, it's all really fuzzy. I remember you talking to me about our time in India a lot."

"Oh..." Akira sounded relieved.

"Why, did you say something you'll regret now that I can hear?"

"Well, when you think the person you love isn't going to come back-"

"What did I say earlier?"

_No regrets. _

"Okay..."

"Tell me."


	30. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

_One Year Later_

"Fuck, can't you move any faster old man?" I kicked the back of Akira's heels, moving him away from my spot at the stove. He'd been trying to get something from above the burner, but had somehow become distracted.

"What are you writing on that piece of paper anyhow?" I stirred the pot of curry, trying to tip toe my way to see the scribbles that were Akira's hand writing.

"My vows you twat."

"Oh..." I stirred the pot a bit slower. "I've already written mine." Akira stopped mid sentence in his writing.

"I wrote mine in the hospital when you were in a coma, then you went and lost your journal."

"Lost... misplaced, same thing." I moved to turn the burner off but Akira caught my hand.

"I'm sorry for yelling." Akira's face softened.

"I'm sorry for losing the journal. Did you ask tapioca where it was?"

"She doesn't know." Tapioca quacked in agreement.

"I'm going to miss this house." I pouted. It had been a year since we'd been living here. A house that had been up for sale in Enoshima, and after Akira's hasty proposal at the hospital there wasn't any leaving until that deed had been done. Flying my family into our new home in America for a wedding was out of the question. In the meantime I'd managed to get a job back here working on a fishing ship, and Akira quit his job at DUCK, permanently.

"Yes, but it'll be okay."

"How are you going to compete with models in America, huh? I know some annoying model type girls they're a lot different than from around here." I'd always loved to tease his line of work. Not to say Akira wasn't perfect at what he did, and I didn't enjoy watching every second of the time he was on the runway.

"I think we'll manage. No regrets, right?" At this I couldn't help but smile.

"Right." I watched Akira scribble something else onto the scrap of paper.

"I love you." My feet shifted, trying to get closer to him.

"I love you too, Natsuki." Akira glanced over from his hard work to please me. Our lips met only for a moment, just as it had many times before, but it was still there every time. _He smells like lavender...with a hint of cinnamon. _

It had even begun to stick to my clothes as it did when I stayed with him in India. This house, this home that we were in was something new. A fortress of misplaced memories, and nostalgic scents. Even though we were moving, I knew that meant we were on to create a new castle...a new place for us to play.

Home was wherever he was and that's where I decided I'd always be.


End file.
